Changes

My blog has recently been found by several people who know me IRL.  My diary has been found, opened and read.

The things I wrote when I lost my angels... what I used to write in order to cope with what I was going through was sometimes ugly and full of anger and fear.  These were things I often didn't want to say to people IRL.  Even though I was and still am open with those who know me IRL about what I went through, there were some deeply personal thoughts and feelings that I shared here that I didn't care to share with people IRL.

Let me be clear and say that I know and accept the fact that I put myself out there and risked being "found" - my blog is not private.  I know this, and yet I still decided to take this risk because I have been helped by and have found healing in so many of you out there who have opened up your lives and your stories to me via your blogs.  I wanted to do the same for others.

I don't think I write anything bad here -- and I am not ashamed of what I have written here -- all I write are my honest feelings.  This has been a place - a much needed place - where my raw emotions have been listened to and accepted by a wonderful community of women.  A place where people have listened to me, supported me and rooted for me throughout each step of this journey.  It has been a wonderful place.  And, it's my hope that I passed on the favor in some way and my blog provided information and maybe even some small amount of help or - better yet - hope to other women going through similar RPL struggles.

So.  After much thought... I have decided to delete my blog's history; it now begins with Eliza's birth.  I have taken those old posts - all 238 posts that carried my ups and downs - and published them into a book.  It will be a real book that I will be able to touch and smell and turn its pages for years to come.  Someday, I will give it to Eliza.

I know that I will feel more comfortable this way; it will allow me to continue writing here, which I really want to do. This blog is and always has been for me to talk about my inner-most thoughts, but from now on that will change.  This blog will be focused only on Eliza and our life as a family of three.  It is no longer my diary.

I guess I've officially become a mommy blogger!

(click here to find out how to publish your blog into a book!)

An Earth Day Miracle

(Hallelujah!)

Yes, this IS my child.  Yes, she IS asleep.  And yes, she IS in her car seat.  I know, I can't believe it either!  For the record, this happened yesterday, too, so it's not only an Earth Day miracle, it was a Wednesday miracle, too.  TWO DAYS in a row she fell asleep in the car without crying!  She just... FELL. ASLEEP.  And then angels sang.  

I think my big girl is finally FINALLY getting used to the car seat.  And it only took five months of screaming, crying, wailing and sobbing, choking, coughing... but we made it!  

TOOFER!

Our big girl cut her very first tooth today!  I can't believe it, but I felt it this morning and then saw it - a tiny little white tooth popping up through her bottom gum.  And we didn't even notice any irritability or fussiness - what a little trooper! 

My girl is getting so big :) 

Still in Awe.

My beautiful girl, my love.

I am so wrapped up in her.  She is my life right now, and I love it.

My Eliza Berry, my little love.  I still can't believe she's mine.

She has my heart.  She always will.

I love you, baby girl.

Nursing Covers?

I think motherhood (and, um, the whole GIVING BIRTH thing, too) has made me less modest, and a whole lot more opinionated - especially when it comes to breastfeeding my babe.

But... it sometimes feels like the rest of the world is becoming more conservative.  Just recently, I read in the newspaper that a woman was asked to cover up while she nursed her baby in a restaurant - it is completely illegal in my state to ask this of a woman (or to ask a nursing mom to leave), btw.  When she refused, and after her husband had some words for the management, they were asked to leave.

REALLY?  Really, people?

I used to use a nursing cover when I nursed Eliza out of the house - in restaurants, at the mall, etc... I used it for other people's benefit, not my own and certainly not Eliza's.  She stated hating it; she would sweat and get annoyed by the fabric over her head.  So, I decided to stop using it.  I just do NOT care what people think anymore, and let me tell you, IT IS FREEING.  I'm feeding my baby, and I'm actually doing it in a fairly discreet manner - I wear a nursing tank underneath my shirt, so my tummy is covered and the top of my chest is covered, and really, Eliza's head covers any skin that might be showing... Anyway, the truth is, I wouldn't care even if - OHTHEHORROR - my skin were to show.  I am SO proud to nurse Eliza; it is a beautiful, wonderful, nurturing act, so why was I hiding it?  When I was using the nursing cover, I felt like I was saying "this is something I am ashamed of", when I really wanted to be saying "I nurse my child and I am so happy and proud to be doing it".

Now.  This is just ME.  I'm not saying anything about other women who choose to use a nursing cover - I get that some people are uncomfortable nursing without a cover, and that's why nursing covers are a great thing for some nursing mamas.  They just aren't for me!

So, if you see me IRL, you might accidentally catch a glimpse of bo.ob.  If it makes you uncomfortable, I won't be offended if you choose to look away :O)

ETA:  OH.  You MUST go read this article that Aletta directed me to: http://www.kidcityny.com/breastfeeding-in-the-land-of-genghis-khan/
It is a wonderful article and will even have you laughing.  If you're like me, you'll be wishing Americans could be a little more like Mongolians once in a while... 

Five Months

Dear Eliza,

Today marks five whole months since you entered the world.  I thank my lucky stars every day.  November 14th was the best day of my life.  Although, it's hard to say that for sure because there have been many many days in the last five months that have rivaled even that beautiful day I gave birth to you.  I know I keep saying this over and over again, but, Eliza, you are my world and I am just in awe of how deep my love runs for you.  You have come into my world and shown me why I was put on this earth.  Being your mama is the most deeply satisfying, fun and important job I have ever or will ever have, I know that for sure.

We have so much fun, you and I.  I already feel so connected to you... sometimes it even feels like we have been connected for years... and finally, five months ago, your little body made it to earth.  It's a strange feeling, and some might call it weird, but it is so strong that I just can't deny that it's there.  It's like I was always meant to be your mama and you were always meant to be my daughter...

• You have been very busy this past month.  You have started to explore life outside of our house, and so far you love it.  When we sit outside, you just stare at everything, carefully focusing on trees, grass, or kids playing in the street.  We love watching you, it's like we can see you learning things!

• You still don't like your car seat, though you are becoming somewhat more tolerant of it... you no longer cry every time we go somewhere in the car.  Mama will take what mama can get!

• You are rolling both ways now!  You definitely seem to prefer rolling from your back to your tummy, though.  

• You are a breastfeeing champ, you looooove mama's milk!  You eat about every 3-4 hours or so, sometimes sooner if you just need a little mama love :)  I'm so happy you like it so much, because I love it, too.

• You love toys, even though you only have a few.  You are so happy to sit and play with mama and a toy or two.  By far, Sophie is your favorite; she is an important part of your day.  I don't know what you would do without your Sophie.  Daddy thinks we should have a "Sophie II" on hand just in case something happens to Sophie I!

• You are close to sitting up, you are practicing it a lot these days.  You are pretty good at "tripod sitting" already. 

• You sing and talk and coo and make allllll kinds of sounds, you are such a happy girl!  We love listening to you talk to us in the mornings.  You certainly have a lot to say - it will be so fun when you start REALLY talking to us!

• You still aren't a big fan of drinking mama's milk from a bottle, but that's okay.  You are calm and content now between feedings, so it's not so hard to leave you for a few hours with Grandma and Grandpa while I run errands or go have dinner with your daddy.  We're still working on the bottle, and you will take it sometimes... you're just a very picky girl when it comes to your milk, I guess.  :)

• You are wearing cloth diapers all the time now, and you've moved up into size Medium... although I think at the rate that you are growing, it won't be too long before you're wearing size Large!?

I know there must be more... but that's all I can think of and you are waking up from your afternoon nap, so it's time to go snuggle you for a bit while you wake up.  I love you, Eliza, and I can't wait to see what the next month holds for us!

Where have I been?

Gosh, has it been more than a week since my last post?  That's insane.  I don't know where the time goes, but I imagine it goes here...

and here...

and maybe here, too...?

What have we been up to, you ask?  I suppose I could say 'nothing special', and yet, it is all special.  A thousand special little moments strung together to fill up our days, which turn into weeks... which have somehow, I realized today while looking at the calendar, turned into five beautiful months.

• Every day, we play outside in the beautiful spring weather.  We spread out an old tattered rug next to the daffodils and we bring toys and books outside, and we play.  'Airplane baby' is one of our favorite activities these days (see above photos!), as is peek-a-boo.  Eliza is also fascinated by the grass; she loves touching it and figuring out what on earth this green stuff is.  Then we look up at the sky and the trees and I tell her that I can't wait to teach her all about the beauty of nature and the great wide world.

• We've been taking baths every night now before bed, which is an absolute joy.  I love getting in that tub with her and all her rolls, and that little baby butt on which, yes it's true, I have been known to blow raspberries.  She is learning that when she kicks her feet, it makes QUITE the watery mess that gets all over Daddy... and so she does it again and laughs and we laugh right along with her.  OH, the laughing. It is the most beautiful sound!  

• Eliza and I have also had many play dates in the last few weeks.  It's been so refreshing to get out of the house now that the weather is nice and meet friends for walks, lunch dates, trips to the zoo and the conservatory.  Mall walking has been replaced by walking around the lake nearby our house, and Eliza is very pleased, she LOVES the outdoors (from what we can tell so far, at least).  A couple of our friends have recently welcomed new babies, so I have more mommy friends now than ever.  We get together and chat, nurse, and love on our babies.  Nothing better.  

• Bedtime has been going great.  First, we sing while hubby plays the guitar - tonight, it was 'Let it Be' - then we take a bath and then nurse.  She's usually asleep and in her co-sleeper by 8, giving us some couple time (or "alone" time, sometimes, which is when I can blog!) before we go to bed.  It provides a wonderful balance and brings a calm to the ending of our day, and it is good for us.  

• My parents have been soaking up this girl like she is going out of style, and I love watching them watch her and interact with her.  I don't know what is different about the love of a grandparent for a grandchild, but I think there is magic in it.  They take care of her at least once a week while the hubby and I go out for dinner, run errands - or go to a concert AND EVEN have a pre-concert drink (like we did on Saturday :)!

There is more to say, more stories to tell and more photos to share...  but tomorrow my baby girl will be five months old, and I need to go figure out HOW ON EARTH THAT HAPPENED.

Bye!

Happy Easter!: A Pictorial

Springtime

It's Spring!  New life is blooming in my backyard, and I am welcoming it with open arms.  I am so ready for this season to come - for the colors, the humidity that hangs in the air, the warmth that allows certain babies to go barefoot and sleeveless...

The Daffodils we planted for our angels have made their return.  They are yellow and bright, and during the day they turn their blooms skyward to remind us of our sweet babies.  I took Eliza out yesterday to show her; we sat and I told her about the little souls that came before her and how hard we fought to bring her to us.  And then I looked at her as she smiled up at me and - once again - the wind was knocked out of me and I stopped to stare at my precious girl in complete awe and disbelief that she is here.  I sat there with her in my arms in the very same place where, a year-and-a-half ago, I dug my hands into the dirt as tears spilled from my eyes as I mourned.  I remember digging those holes for the dormant bulbs - one after the other (all 99 of them) - with blurry eyes, thinking I don't want to do this... but I need to.  I hoped, wished, prayed... that one day I would look at them from my kitchen window with our baby in my arms.

Last year, I was 10 weeks pregnant when they bloomed.

And this year, I stood at my kitchen window and looked at those Daffodils with Eliza in my arms.

Oh how I love spring!