My blog has recently been found by several people who know me IRL. My diary has been found, opened and read.
The things I wrote when I lost my angels... what I used to write in order to cope with what I was going through was sometimes ugly and full of anger and fear. These were things I often didn't want to say to people IRL. Even though I was and still am open with those who know me IRL about what I went through, there were some deeply personal thoughts and feelings that I shared here that I didn't care to share with people IRL.
Let me be clear and say that I know and accept the fact that I put myself out there and risked being "found" - my blog is not private. I know this, and yet I still decided to take this risk because I have been helped by and have found healing in so many of you out there who have opened up your lives and your stories to me via your blogs. I wanted to do the same for others.
I don't think I write anything bad here -- and I am not ashamed of what I have written here -- all I write are my honest feelings. This has been a place - a much needed place - where my raw emotions have been listened to and accepted by a wonderful community of women. A place where people have listened to me, supported me and rooted for me throughout each step of this journey. It has been a wonderful place. And, it's my hope that I passed on the favor in some way and my blog provided information and maybe even some small amount of help or - better yet - hope to other women going through similar RPL struggles.
So. After much thought... I have decided to delete my blog's history; it now begins with Eliza's birth. I have taken those old posts - all 238 posts that carried my ups and downs - and published them into a book. It will be a real book that I will be able to touch and smell and turn its pages for years to come. Someday, I will give it to Eliza.
I know that I will feel more comfortable this way; it will allow me to continue writing here, which I really want to do. This blog is and always has been for me to talk about my inner-most thoughts, but from now on that will change. This blog will be focused only on Eliza and our life as a family of three. It is no longer my diary.
I guess I've officially become a mommy blogger!
(click here to find out how to publish your blog into a book!)