Tuesday, April 27, 2010


My blog has recently been found by several people who know me IRL.  My diary has been found, opened and read.

The things I wrote when I lost my angels... what I used to write in order to cope with what I was going through was sometimes ugly and full of anger and fear.  These were things I often didn't want to say to people IRL.  Even though I was and still am open with those who know me IRL about what I went through, there were some deeply personal thoughts and feelings that I shared here that I didn't care to share with people IRL.

Let me be clear and say that I know and accept the fact that I put myself out there and risked being "found" - my blog is not private.  I know this, and yet I still decided to take this risk because I have been helped by and have found healing in so many of you out there who have opened up your lives and your stories to me via your blogs.  I wanted to do the same for others.

I don't think I write anything bad here -- and I am not ashamed of what I have written here -- all I write are my honest feelings.  This has been a place - a much needed place - where my raw emotions have been listened to and accepted by a wonderful community of women.  A place where people have listened to me, supported me and rooted for me throughout each step of this journey.  It has been a wonderful place.  And, it's my hope that I passed on the favor in some way and my blog provided information and maybe even some small amount of help or - better yet - hope to other women going through similar RPL struggles.

So.  After much thought... I have decided to delete my blog's history; it now begins with Eliza's birth.  I have taken those old posts - all 238 posts that carried my ups and downs - and published them into a book.  It will be a real book that I will be able to touch and smell and turn its pages for years to come.  Someday, I will give it to Eliza.

I know that I will feel more comfortable this way; it will allow me to continue writing here, which I really want to do. This blog is and always has been for me to talk about my inner-most thoughts, but from now on that will change.  This blog will be focused only on Eliza and our life as a family of three.  It is no longer my diary.

I guess I've officially become a mommy blogger!

(click here to find out how to publish your blog into a book!)


Jessie said...

That's a cool idea! Never be ashamed of your feelings; what would you be without them? :)

Kim D. said...

I'm really glad that you were able to use this blog as a way to help you cope through some really hard stuff. This may put me out of business, but I am starting to really believe that other things and people can actually be more therapeutic than the most well-trained therapist (and wouldn't it be very egotistical and co-dependent to think otherwise?). Your writing was therapeutic for you, for me and for countless other women. Your blog pre-Eliza has been really amazing to read and as a person who knows you IRL, it only made me love you more to read such raw emotion from you. Do what you have to do to maintain healthy relationships, but never ever at the risk of suppressing the authentic you. I think the book is a fantabulous idea!

Sanchez Stories said...

I'll miss your deep posts!

Alyssa said...

I just want to tell you that your pre-Eliza posts really helped me get through my miscarriage and subsequent TTC. It gave me hope, and it gave me the courage to feel what I felt.

I'm glad that you're able to put those posts together in a book, because all those thoughts, feelings, and moments are part of who you are...and why we all love you!


Dawn said...

I completely understand your decision. Please know how much hope your story gave me. Thank you so so very much for sharing, I can't tell you how much your success has meant to me. Can't wait to continue following your gorgeous family!

B MoM said...

not sure if my last comment went through, but I wanted to say that I completely understand how you feel, hence my decision to remain anonymous

Wendy said...

I never knew you could do that with your old posts! I too, echo some of the ladies comments. Your blog was one of the first that I started reading when I was going through some bad times last year and helped me through the times in between. I look forward to your mommy posts!

Jen said...

Ella, I understand your thoughts behind that decision - and I do want to say that your beautiful and at times heartbreaking writing brought me to tears- in a good and a bad way - many a time as I was struggling through nearly the same experiences. Publishing your thoughts into a book is a wonderful, permanent tribute to your babies and I know Eliza (and any other subsequent siblings she may have) will find them so special as well. Thanks for being here for me and for so many others!!

Eliza's Stats

Birth: 8 lbs 5 ozs
Going home: 7 lbs 10 ozs
5 days: 7 lbs 13 ozs
2 months: 12 lbs 6 ozs
4 months: 17 lbs
5 months: 18 lbs 12 ozs
6 months: 20 lbs 13 ozs
9 months: 24 lbs 3 ozs
12 months: 26 lbs 13 ozs
15 months: 28 lbs
18 months: 29 lbs 3 ozs
2 years: 32 lbs
3 years: 34 lbs

Alice's Stats

Birth: 8 lbs 11 oz
2 Months: 13 lbs 10 oz
4 Months: 17 lbs 15 oz
6 Months: 20 lbs 4 oz