Bringing Eliza Home

(I'm getting my blog cleaned up a bit and labeling each of my posts.  I found this draft of my TTC/RPL journey and thought I would post it for those who are interested in my history with RPL... now it can be found using my handy new labels!)

January 2004 - got married

May 2008 - ditched the BC, started charting in prep for TTC

July 25, 2008 - first try, 1st BFP! Betas double normally, we are thrilled! Naively happy and pregnant, so I start this blog!

September 5-7, 2008 - @ 9wks, CNM can't find heart tones w/doppler, u/s shows no fetal heart movement, 1st m/c, D&C.

October 2008 - thrombophilia labs come back showing I have a homozygous MTHFR gene mutation. Homocysteine levels are normal, so perinatologist says mutation is "of no clinical significance" and shouldn't affect a pgcy. Just to be safe, peri puts me on daily regimen of 4mg folic acid, B complex and baby aspirin.

November 20, 2008 - 2nd BFP.

November 28, 2008 - start spotting; blood work shows progesterone level 10.8, beta is 32.

December 1, 2008 - 2nd beta comes back at only 20; 2nd m/c ("chemical pgcy"), referred to an RE.

December 18, 2008 - RE says since we've "only had two m/c's", we should continue to try on our own, though she thinks there could be a "slight annovulatory issue" and offers clomid as an option (immediate reaction = wtf?). RE also insists I cannot pinpoint O with charting and says she doubts I had even been O'ing (um...isn't getting PG twice enough proof?). I say "FU" to stupid RE, decide to get 2nd opinion.

January 2009 - TTC on our own, this time using progesterone supplements (Crinone 8% gel) post-O.

January 18, 2009 - 3rd BFP.

January 28, 2009 - I get nervous, so at 21 dpo have 1st beta which comes back negative (less than 2); 3rd m/c ("chemical pgcy").  Confusion, hopelessness, sobbing ensues.

February 6, 2009 - HSG comes back all clear!

February 17, 2009 - consult visit w/new RE/perinatology clinic, met with genetic counselor, both DH and I found to have normal karyotypes.

February 27, 2009 - 4th BFP!  1st beta @ 14dpo: 296, second beta @ 17dpo: 1126, third beta @ 19dpo: 2565, fourth beta @ 21dpo: 5599

March 17th, 2009! - u/s shows beautiful hb, yolk sac and bean! Measuring perfectly, at 6w4d. We have a little baby growing!!!

March 29, 2009 - heard hb with the doppler at home, at 8w2d!

April 27th, 2009 - NT scan shows nuchal fold of 1.64mm, chance of down's: 1 in 2,500. Berry is looking great!

June 12, 2009 - IT'S A GIRL! Berry is healthy and growing right on schedule. We are so thankful!

November 14, 2009 - Our miracle, Eliza Margaret, is born at 7:16am, weighing 8 lbs 5 ozs, 20" long. Apgars of 9 and 9. She is perfect. We are complete.

Mother's Day

Today is a beautiful day to celebrate motherhood!  I am a very lucky woman and I am beyond grateful for what this past year has brought me - a healthy pregnancy and my beautiful precious daughter.

I so wish I could simply revel in the glow of being a mama without a care in the world today, but I can't.  I know too much, I know there are still millions of women out there who are still suffering, still waiting for their chance to be called Mama.  I am thinking about those women today; I am thinking about the pain of infertility and RPL.

I am so very very excited to celebrate Mother's Day today with Eliza - I will celebrate and be thankful and spend the day loving and enjoying my girl... But I will also think of all the women - those I know and those who are strangers - who are still waiting, still suffering from the pain of infertility and RPL.

Springtime

It's Spring!  New life is blooming in my backyard, and I am welcoming it with open arms.  I am so ready for this season to come - for the colors, the humidity that hangs in the air, the warmth that allows certain babies to go barefoot and sleeveless...

The Daffodils we planted for our angels have made their return.  They are yellow and bright, and during the day they turn their blooms skyward to remind us of our sweet babies.  I took Eliza out yesterday to show her; we sat and I told her about the little souls that came before her and how hard we fought to bring her to us.  And then I looked at her as she smiled up at me and - once again - the wind was knocked out of me and I stopped to stare at my precious girl in complete awe and disbelief that she is here.  I sat there with her in my arms in the very same place where, a year-and-a-half ago, I dug my hands into the dirt as tears spilled from my eyes as I mourned.  I remember digging those holes for the dormant bulbs - one after the other (all 99 of them) - with blurry eyes, thinking I don't want to do this... but I need to.  I hoped, wished, prayed... that one day I would look at them from my kitchen window with our baby in my arms.

Last year, I was 10 weeks pregnant when they bloomed.

And this year, I stood at my kitchen window and looked at those Daffodils with Eliza in my arms.

Oh how I love spring!

And I thought I loved you then...

One year ago today, I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time.

My reaction was not pretty.  I believe I said "well, fuck", and then I cried.  How's that for a memorable moment?  I cried for the three babies I had lost, and I cried for the fourth baby I knew I was bound to lose.  I had no hope.  My spirit was broken.

Women who suffer RPL know the strange juxtaposition you find yourself in when staring down at those two lines.  You want to be happy... but you are scared.  Oh.  So scared.  Gone forever are the giddy jumps for joy upon finding out you are pregnant; the elated cries of "I'M PREGNANT!" to your husband, or the elaborate schemes of how you will tell him he's going to be a daddy... those ridiculous games are gone.  Soured.  Now, you laugh at the naivety of your former self - the one who did all those things... The First Time.

Jumps for joy are replaced with "well, fuck"s, and elaborate announcement schemes to tell your husband are replaced with quiet footsteps back into the dark bedroom at 5:00 am: you sneak into bed, hoping he won't ask.  You don't want to tell him... you're afraid he won't be happy.  No, you know he won't be happy... because, if you are honest with yourself, you know that you aren't sure you're happy in this moment either.

But then, the sun comes up, and you look at each other and say "We have another shot.  Let's be thankful for that."  And you are.  You are thankful in that moment for what you have inside you, for the microscopic possibility of life.

And then, doctors and midwives are called, betas and early ultrasounds are scheduled, progesterone prescriptions are refilled.  The business of Getting This One To Stick gets underway.  You do what you have to do now... and you hope beyond hope that you'll get to celebrate later.

It's a cruel limbo that you live in for those first few weeks.  Hope builds with each passing day, with each good beta... and yet you still make sure to temper your excitement, you chide yourself for daring to be happy - 'it's too early, what are you doing?'.  

I think it wasn't *truly* until our 20 week anatomy scan that I allowed myself to let go of my restraint.  I relished in the complete and overwhelming joy I felt that day and just exhausted myself with happiness - I was SO tired at the end of that day, and my face hurt from smiling.  It felt so good.

Throughout our journey, we swore, we cried, we screamed, we overate, we overspent, we coped however we could.  We tried not to, but there was definitely a point when we thought we would never be parents.  Never in our wildest dreams would we have imagined that Eliza would finally enter our world; we did not think it was possible.

Thank God we were wrong.  We will forever be thankful to our daughter for showing us that we should never give up hope.  Her life is proof of that.