She's Four.

My miracle baby is now four!  

I could say that I don't really believe it and that time has flown... and while those things are somewhat true, it also feels like it was a lifetime ago that she was born.  These four years... they have been a lot of work.  A lot of hard hard work.  Not always easy, but usually fun and interesting, but hard.  Best four years of my life, and also the hardest four years of my life.  So while they have gone by quickly, they also haven't, if that makes any sense (and I know it doesn't!). 

Anyway, Eliza, at FOUR whole years old:

Loves to dance her crazy dance moves in the kitchen while I sing or while we listen to the radio (or in public while waiting in lines :)

She's a music lover.  We listen to a lot of classical music in the house, but when it's dance party time, she likes Katy Perry, Mumford & Sons, and Walk Off the Earth.  And it's pretty cute to hear her try to decipher the lyrics.

(She said: "look mom, I'm being a plant!)

Independence.  Are there any four year olds who aren't independent, though?  But she's so good at it, that I just can't complain about it!  The child wants to do so much to help and wants to do so much for herself, and you know what?  I find her genuinely helpful.  She sets the table every night, she brings in the recycling bins after the recycling is picked up, she starts the dishwasher, she makes us fruit salad, she can get her own snack, she gets herself dressed, handles pottying/hand washing by herself, plays independently... the kid could move out and live by herself at age four!  Ha!  Ok not really.

She is so smart.  I think I've said this every year.  Now it probably just sounds like I'm bragging.  I know I'm biased... but man, she startles me with her intelligence sometimes.  She picks up even the littlest things the first time she hears them...and never seems to forget them.  Her memory is insane.  She has memories from a CRAZY long time ago.  She remembers things from two years ago, when she was only 2!

(Girl's got soul)

Eliza is a wonderful sister.  There was pretty much no transition to speak of when Alice was born and came home from the hospital.  It was so seamless.  It was like Eliza was just waiting for Alice all along, and when she got here, it was sort of like "yeah, that's my sister, so let's go home now!" and she just started living as a big sister like the whole thing was old hat to her.  She really impressed me.  Sure, she still can't seem to remember when Alice is sleeping that she needs to use quiet voices, and that can make this mama pretty annoyed... but then I think of the amazing things she does as Alice's sister - how she makes her laugh, how she loves her so much... and I know that waking up her baby sister is really a minor offense in the grand scheme of things.  I love watching them together; they are both so very lucky to have one another.

Preschool is going well!  Eliza's teachers report that she is very intellectual, focused and always on-task.  Her sense of justice has become highly developed, so any student who is out of line or rude/mean/aggressive in Eliza's view gets the evil eye from her.  While Eliza may try to test the waters at home (and oh boy DOES SHE), at school she's the model student.  I guess that's how it should be, right?

She is crafty and creative, and I love seeing what she comes up with.  She loves to paint, draw, cut shapes out of paper, glue, make "mixtures" out of anything she can get her hands on, bake, help cook... anything that is hands-on, messy, arty, she's up for it. Dress up, playing pretend, make believe, it's all in full swing at this age, and it's a joy to watch and listen to see what she comes up with. Her imagination is a beautiful place!

This girl is like her mama in many ways and one of those ways is sensitivity.  She is SO sensitive - physically and emotionally.  Loud noises, strong smells, sun that's too bright, itchy clothing tags, etc... pretty much anything that offends any one of her senses in even the slightest way is cause for major concern. (See below - she was hungry.)

Year three was a bit rough, overall.  The more parents I talk to, the more I believe that "The Terrible Twos" is a phrase that is overused and overstated.  The threes were harder on us, for sure.  But, every age has its ups and downs, its good and its frustrating moments.  That's just life.  She's just a kid trying to figure out where she fits in this world, looking for both comfort from mom and dad as well as independence at the same time.  Her job is to explore, to observe and to make sense of her world.  It's not always an easy task for her, I'm confident of that, and guiding her through her childhood is a privilege, even on the hardest most frustrating days.

Cheers to another year, my little love.

I have a preschooler!

World, meet Eliza Margaret: The Preschooler.  

My big 3.75 year old girl went to her first official “full” day (she’s in a half day program) of preschool today.  This mama is happy and proud, and also *omgterrifiedsadlonelyanxioustearynostalgic*.  But ignore all that, that’s just me being a mama bear who isn’t sure about this whole your-kid-grows-up-and-other-people-interact-with-her-without-you-being-there thing that apparently comes with being a parent. Totally didn’t see this coming.

Anyway.

Eliza attends a wonderful little Montessori school about a mile from our home and we are very excited for her (despite what the above might indicate).  I was a Montessori kid through the eighth grade and I absolutely adored it.  I am SO happy for her to get to have this experience, and I might even be just a little bit jealous ;)  Her classroom is AWESOME!

So, today was day one! It seems that it went well, though I got very little information about her morning when I picked her up.  Here is what she said: “I ate one carrot and one cracker and I drank water out of my mug that Aunt Mary made me, and I polished glass.  I did not go outside but I think I will tomorrow.” Alrighty then!

Here are a few photos of the big morning drop-off…

Sort of a holdie-outie fail, but I still love her smile.

Kissing sister goodbye.

Greeting her teacher.

Big girl walking down to her locker (students greet their teacher in the school lobby and then walk independently to their locker where they put on their school shoes and enter their classroom - no helicopter parents allowed!)

Big Sister

I'm working on getting Alice's birth story down, but in the meantime, my mom wrote a post on her blog about the day of Alice's birth that I wanted to share here.  She wrote it to Eliza, who was with us the whole day and was right there to welcome her little sister into the world.  So proud of my big girl.

Dear Big Sister,

You did it; you were even there! I can't believe how amazingly wonderful and calm you were through the birth of your sister. When I arrived at your house yesterday morning, I found the whole family sitting on the bed. You were watching Mr. Rogers (the episode about having a baby in the house!) and you were bouncing. But then when your mom would have a pain, you looked over and rubbed her leg. Then you'd bounce again! You were so tender. We stayed on the bed and then I remembered that Grandpa was downstairs and I told you and you disappeared! Happy to see someone devoted just to you, I bet. You showed what a strong girl you are, not just physically this time but emotionally as well.

When we arrived at the hospital, you snacked and watched a nice movie on Mama's computer, took many trips to the family room with Grandpa, read lots of books, played with some toys and stickers that you had brought in your bag and in general acted so, well, responsible. When things got intense, and Mama started to push, I called you and Grandpa into the room again and you sat on the stool next to me. Your mom and dad had prepared you so well. They had you try to lift a table so you could practice the same noises that you might hear in the labor room. You stroked your mom's hair and you didn't seem frightened at all. I kept in contact with you, rubbing your back and talking to you so you'd know everything was OK. It's hard to hear someone you love in pain, isn't it?

Your mom and dad were so glad you were there. Your mom felt better having you close so you could be a part of this whole amazing miracle. Your mom was present for Uncle Reid's birth; she says it was her first memory. She was a bit younger than you, 2 3/4 yr, so you should have a little bit better chance of remembering it. When the head was crowning, your mom's head was in my lap and you were right next to us, leaning way over to see your sister and "she popped out" at 2:06 pm. "Welcome to the world, little girl". (That saying was on your wall in your old house and now is in your sister's room. Your mama made it and it says so much!! - thank you for sharing it.)

Alice Rose looks very different than you. She has a little bit rounder head and face, more like her daddy. Her complexion looks darker too although that is hard to say so early. She was pretty purple when she was born but she got 8, 9 for Apgars. You gave her a little kiss. Grandpa took such good care of you during the whole process. He was there just for you so you could come an go as you pleased. It was so nice that your mama's labor started in the morning so you were rested and could come to the hospital and be part of this.

At 6 pm, I traded the car seat to Uncle Reid's car and you went home to stay overnight with them. You picked their house and tonight you'll stay with me and Grandpa and Orvis of course. You went to the barn to see the horses and I can't wait to hear all about it.

Happy Big Sister Day, love.

(Random) Picture Post

Eliza, my mom and I went to a little Easter egg hunt put on by the healthcare system my mom works for.  They had a waffle breakfast too.  Eliza loved it.

Eliza loves the poster in my midwife's office showing the growing fetus.  Here she's pointing to how big "her baby" was at a recent appointment.

Helping prime the basement walls.

Eliza and one of her BFFs Emma at the zoo.  These two are the cutest.

THE CUTEST! Right?

Dyeing Easter eggs.

The three of us on Easter (zomg I look tired...)

The girl loves her some Lush bath bombs.

Hugging the new carpet in our newly finished basement!

38.5 weeks!

You've heard three is worse than two, right?

Parenting a three year old is hard sometimes. News flash of the century, right? Not. 

I know, I know.  Duh, it's hard, Ella.  And, what, you're surprised?

But sometimes, parenting a three year old feels like a mind game that I will never win.  Forget winning - sometimes it feels like I don’t even know the rules of the game, and just when I start to figure them out, the rules change.

It’s likely that I have more challenging years ahead as a mom, but man, the drama and attitude, the mood swings and the testing this girl brings sometimes… it can be hard to deal with.  If I’m being honest, it is frustrating and can leave me feeling totally drained.  Feeling like a failure. The days get long sometimes (the days are long but the years are short - this is so true!).  In these last weeks of pregnancy, I find myself having a lot less patience with Eliza.  This, then, leads me to feel guilty and sad that I can’t keep it together – that I can’t be eternally patient, ever the understanding, sweet natured, calm mother.  I’m the adult; she’s the normally developing, often irrational toddler who lacks impulse control.  She's three. You're not.  Do better!

Everyone told me age three was worse than age two, and it's definitely been true for us.  She is so very aware, so incredibly smart, has a strong will, and an intense desire to seek out independence wherever she can find it.

And yet.

And yet, even as I sit and type this, I am thinking about all the sweet and lovely parts of living with a three year old.  The hilarious things she says, the "plans" she comes up with, the stories she tells, the games she plays with me.  Her brilliant mind and the astounding things it catches, remembers, and uses again - for evil and for good! - later.  

Most of the time, I love our days together.  This is my life.  This is my job, 24/7, and I do it because I love it and I feel like it's exactly where I want to be right now.  This is my life as a parent, and I don't have to let the hard parts overshadow the good parts.  It's all parenting - the good and the bad and the hard and the ugly.  It's all part of the work of being a mom, and for Eliza it's also part of the work of being a three year old.  We can have a difficult morning and still turn it around in time to have a happy, fun afternoon.  It's all in a day's work.  Some days are smoother than others, yes.  Some days I flee like a criminal as soon as my husband walks in the door, and sit in my car and cry (yes, this happened).  Then, I call my mom, and then I go to Dairy Queen, and then I go back home and try again.  I try harder, and I love more fiercely.  I listen to my mom, and my dear mama friends when they tell me I'm a good mom, when they boost me up and cheer me on and tell me they understand.  "Just love her", they tell me. "Just show her how much she is loved, and you're golden."

And oh, do I love her.  Unconditionally.  And that part is so easy.  

Eliza and all her Eliza-ness

It's been too long since I've talked in-depth about my dear Eliza on this old blog.  She has grown and changed so much and just keeps on becoming her own unique person, and it blows me away every day.  Trying to capture her personality and charm on "paper" might very well require a novel, and honestly, part of the reason I've not written an update recently is because every time I try to start writing about her, I just don't know how to adequately describe all the spunk and love and attitude, kindness, intelligence and pure happiness that is wrapped up in that tiny body of hers.

Eliza is a learner.  She is always asking questions and those questions are getting more and more crazy intelligent every day.  She listens closely to an answer (usually, depending on her mood!), and is genuinely interested in figuring things out and getting to the bottom of something until it makes sense to her.  It can be tiring sometimes - the whys, hows, how comes, what do you mean, what does that mean, why is it that way... all the questions are so dang cute and at the same time I feel mentally exhausted at the end of some days!  Thank goodness for her daddy, he is so smart and also naturally curious (I found him watching a youtube lecture the other day explaining why you can't divide by zero -- wtf?!); they make a great pair, always figuring things out together and exploring the answer - no matter how complex - to her most recent question.

Eliza has a flair for the dramatic, as I'm sure many 3 year olds do.  Reactions can be intense, so we're often talking to her about "calmer reactions" (and yes I laugh at myself as soon as the words leave my mouth because really? She's 3, dude. She's gonna bring teh dramazzz).  Similarly, this girl's 'tude can rival that of a 15 year old any day of the week.  She told me she 'didn't want to be near me anymore' the other day after I had to take away a pair of (kid) scissors she was using on something other than paper (namely, her shirt).  As I took them from her hand, she also told me "It is not nice to take something out of someone's hand. Where did you learn that?".  Ohhh boyyyy.

The dear sweet thing is still, at her core, sweet as pie.  She will tell you she loves you out of the blue, and every time it happens it melts your heart in ways you never thought possible.  After I indulged her in an afternoon bath today (an extended version, no less), and as I was drying her off she said to me "look up at me, Mama", and when I did she said "I love you" in the sweetest little voice.  Every frustration and worry I had in my head disappeared at that moment and I swear the rest of the afternoon was nothing short of perfect.  Am I easily manipulated, or what?! ;)

My days are numbered in regards this next one, I know, but for the next few months I will really enjoy the independent playing that goes on in my house!  Eliza loves creating little stories and roles for each of her dolls, putting them to sleep, "doctoring" them, and can play happily in her room alone for extended periods of time.  She plays with her puzzles, her marble maze, her magnetic board, and even her adored playsilk (seriously she loves this thing, it's been such an unexpectedly awesome toy!).  It hit me this morning when I popped my head in to say hello and tell her I was going to hop in the shower ("okay mama", she replied, and went right back to playing) that I am pretty darn lucky in this regard and that showering will soon become a luxury (or at least a task that requires more planning than it currently does!).

What else?  She loves to sing.  She can get lost in playing with the contents of her art supply box for an hour (cutting, coloring, using tape and stickers, gluing...).  She loves to make "recipes" - this morning it was water, salt and blueberries (which she later tried to juice with my citrus juicer).  She loves going to the comic book store with daddy - they buy My Little Pony comic books and Ski Soda.  She eats anything and everything (with a few exceptions of course); she's still our little adventurous eater.  Her daddy and I look at each other every day and marvel at her and the little things she does (and sometimes, on the days that are more full of teh dramaz - like today - we shake our heads and look at each other and say in unison: "your turn!").

There is so much more...!

To my dear sweet girl: I wish I could capture your essence, your spirit, your sweet face, your little voice and the way you say "feather" and bottle it all up to save for later.  I love you so much it can make me cry if I think about it too much.  I hope I'm doing this whole mama thing okay.  There isn't a day that I don't question if I'm good enough, fun enough... enough... just enough for you.

I love you!

A Learner

We've been reading to Eliza since she was a tiny newborn.  Obviously, right?  So maybe it shouldn't have come as a surprise when she started asking what words meant or "how does that word sound mama?" when we'd read books or when she'd be looking at books quietly in her room.  Recently, we've started to notice her expressing frustration over the fact that she "can't read the words"; she is no longer content to just look at pictures.  At 3, we have on our hands a girl who desperately wants to learn to read.

What do I do with this child?!  I wondered.  How do I help her??

We talk about the alphabet constantly.  Of course she knows and sings the ABC song, loves identifying letters in words, and is now able to tell the sounds of nearly all 26 letters.  We answer her questions as she asks them, and help her learn as she wants to -- never actually instructing her in any real way, always remembering that kids at her age are absolutely ready to learn, but not so ready to be taught.

I asked about this in our ECFE class on Monday about this.  I wondered if anyone had any tips, suggestions, resources, books? I don't know - SOMETHING - to help me help her.  Because surely, I thought, surely I am not doing enough to help her.  She is voraciously eating up anything I tell her before I can think of what to even say next - could someone please recommend something I could do/buy/watch to help this child?  

Now -- I think this is an apt commentary on the state of what mothering in this culture and day and age does to a mama -- the mental mind games it creates -- because when the parent educator's response to me was simply: "Just keep doing what you're doing, Ella. Answer her questions. Read to her. What you are doing is enough", it was as if someone took my by the shoulders and shook me into an awareness of 'of course that's enough, what have I been thinking?'.  I was doubting my abilities to guide her, afraid I would actually somehow stifle this blossoming curiosity for words and reading and writing.  For learning.  Me.  Stepping back, I am ashamed.  Why did I think that (my master's degree and almost-PhD have got to be good for something, right?  Haha just kidding)? 

Of course I'm enough.  DUH, ELLA.

At the end of class, the ECFE parent educator told me something I think I will remember forever - or, at least I will remember the feelings -- the goosebumps, the immense pride, the feeling of responsibility -- it gave me when she said it.  

"Congratulations, you have yourself a learner."

I guess I do!

A Third Birthday Party!

The birthday party day arrived and she was SO excited she couldn't even nap!

She got her very own birthday crown.

She felt a little shy when guests started to arrive...

She loved her gifts, as any three year old does :)

Mama was so proud of her girl, who was all smiles and laughter until her head hit the pillow that night.

Funny story: she couldn't blow the candles out! She tried and tried, but just did NOT understand how that whole thing was supposed to work (also, note my hand keeping her from putting her face directly above the candle flame).  It was hilarious!  She looked at me and her face said, "mama, what the hell is up with this? Give me some advice here!" - and I didn't know what to tell her! I didn't know how to explain how to blow out a candle (as opposed to simply spitting, which was what she basically ended up doing).  I guess we should have practiced!

It was such a good day!

Siblings

My mom wrote this post on her blog the other day (yes, she has a private blog all about Eliza and being a grandma. She writes each entry in the form of a journal/letter to Eliza), and I thought it was incredibly sweet and poignant.  I wanted to share an excerpt here. 

...

Eliza:

You won't remember this day but your life will never be the same. As a "little sister", I can speak with some authority. There will be times that you feel great joy that you have a little brother or sister (you tell us it will be a sister!) and then again sometimes you will wish profoundly that you were an only child. It's a relationship that is somewhat fragile, not filled with the unconditional love of parents. You will have to earn his or her respect and there will be many ups and downs. But your parents are giving you the best gift they can give - someone to share your early life with, someone to share your family memories of home, friends, trips, fights, group hugs, even some crises. When you are older, your sister or brother hopefully can be a support person and someone to help when your parents seems "hard to handle".  I did not discover this until much later in my life, but my sister is a connection to my mom and dad long after they are gone. Looking into her eyes, I see my dad. I see his Irish temperment, his love of poetry and reading and I see my mother's love of language, her fierce independence and intelligence. Talking to her, I get to verify family stories and history and to see if we feel the same about our life before marriage and children. Marriage and children changes you and it is good to remember earlier and very different times.  I hope you enjoy such a relationship and even go beyond it in later years.

xo
Grandma