You've heard three is worse than two, right?

Parenting a three year old is hard sometimes. News flash of the century, right? Not. 

I know, I know.  Duh, it's hard, Ella.  And, what, you're surprised?

But sometimes, parenting a three year old feels like a mind game that I will never win.  Forget winning - sometimes it feels like I don’t even know the rules of the game, and just when I start to figure them out, the rules change.

It’s likely that I have more challenging years ahead as a mom, but man, the drama and attitude, the mood swings and the testing this girl brings sometimes… it can be hard to deal with.  If I’m being honest, it is frustrating and can leave me feeling totally drained.  Feeling like a failure. The days get long sometimes (the days are long but the years are short - this is so true!).  In these last weeks of pregnancy, I find myself having a lot less patience with Eliza.  This, then, leads me to feel guilty and sad that I can’t keep it together – that I can’t be eternally patient, ever the understanding, sweet natured, calm mother.  I’m the adult; she’s the normally developing, often irrational toddler who lacks impulse control.  She's three. You're not.  Do better!

Everyone told me age three was worse than age two, and it's definitely been true for us.  She is so very aware, so incredibly smart, has a strong will, and an intense desire to seek out independence wherever she can find it.

And yet.

And yet, even as I sit and type this, I am thinking about all the sweet and lovely parts of living with a three year old.  The hilarious things she says, the "plans" she comes up with, the stories she tells, the games she plays with me.  Her brilliant mind and the astounding things it catches, remembers, and uses again - for evil and for good! - later.  

Most of the time, I love our days together.  This is my life.  This is my job, 24/7, and I do it because I love it and I feel like it's exactly where I want to be right now.  This is my life as a parent, and I don't have to let the hard parts overshadow the good parts.  It's all parenting - the good and the bad and the hard and the ugly.  It's all part of the work of being a mom, and for Eliza it's also part of the work of being a three year old.  We can have a difficult morning and still turn it around in time to have a happy, fun afternoon.  It's all in a day's work.  Some days are smoother than others, yes.  Some days I flee like a criminal as soon as my husband walks in the door, and sit in my car and cry (yes, this happened).  Then, I call my mom, and then I go to Dairy Queen, and then I go back home and try again.  I try harder, and I love more fiercely.  I listen to my mom, and my dear mama friends when they tell me I'm a good mom, when they boost me up and cheer me on and tell me they understand.  "Just love her", they tell me. "Just show her how much she is loved, and you're golden."

And oh, do I love her.  Unconditionally.  And that part is so easy.  

An annual tradition: Lefse! (And, a parenting lesson)

We continued an annual tradition this year when we gathered at my SIL's house to make Lefse.  My mom, my SIL, Eliza and me.

Eliza was eager to jump right in.  She wanted to do it all - roll out the dough, pick it up with the Lefse stick, transfer it to the griddle, and take it off the griddle.  But to those of you familiar with Lefse making, you know that it's a somewhat delicate process and so it was a bit challenging at times.  If I'm being honest, it was mostly challenging for me.  I'll admit it: my patience was running a bit thin that afternoon, and at the end of the day I felt badly for it.  I had been asking too much of her and got frustrated too easily when she would mar the raw lefse I had just rolled out, hit me with the lefse stick accidentally, get too close to the hot griddle, try to transfer a 1" thick piece of lefse to the griddle... you know... act like a 3-year-old.

When I thought about it, I realized that doing those things was the only way she would learn and get excited about these traditions -- by doing, trying, practicing.  I should have been more patient and should have channeled her enthusiasm into a task she could complete.  I need to remind myself of this, especially in my most frustrated moments.  I will do better next time.  I think I have done better since then... trying to let go of the little things, the things that do not matter (lefse, for example!).

Whew!  This parenting stuff can be hard.  Heh.

Anyway.  It was still a memorable, fun day.

And my mom took some great pictures!  Lookit!

Mom, displeased with how the new griddle is acting... cooking unevenly, and not hot enough. 

Lefse makers!  Eliza loved that stick.

Figure 1: lefse I just rolled out, about to get it from that smirking 3 year old wielding a stick as tall as she is.

Oh! And we also made rudolph cake pops that day!

In Which I Get All Sappy On You

Eliza is nearly three years old now.  We will be celebrating a birthday in just five short weeks!  This girl has changed so much in the last year, it is really remarkable.  I've been so caught up with my own drama, that my girl hasn't gotten much attention on the ol' blog lately.

So what's she been up to?

Questions.  Oh the questions!  She is naturally curious about everything.  The 'why?'s, that started nearly a year ago now, have blown up exponentially and are never ending!  It often reaches the point where her 'why?' questions no longer makes sense, and we've started to try to help her rephrase her questions, challenging her to think about what she's really trying to ask.

She is NOT a morning person.  Mornings are... rough, to say the least.  It doesn't help that I am also not a morning person.  The two of us do not make the most enthusiastic or good natured duo between 7 and 8 o'clock in the morning.  That's usually when an episode of Mr. Roger's is watched while we try to wake up (or sleep a bit more, in my case).

Fears.  Fears are creeping in - she is learning and sort of experimenting with them.  Figuring out what other people are afraid of, and "testing" them out.  Most recently, she's not quite sure about the radiator in her room, which she can see at the end of her bed (our new house has radiators, our previous house did not, so they are new to her).  "Cover it up with a blanket, mama, so I can't see it", she requests each night before bed.  But then the next morning she'll say "I'm not scared of the radiator, he's just a nice guy who keeps us warm.  He's a silly warm guy!".

Nakedness.  Oh boy, does this child like to be naked.  She takes any opportunity.  When she has to pee?  Why not do that completely naked?  When she doesn't want to spill on her shirt during breakfast? Meh, Imma just gonna take off all these clothes, Ma.  Who cares if it's 50 degrees outside?  Let's go outside naked too (she did do that once and immediately came screaming back inside the house).  And then, when it's time to get dressed again (for the 30th time in a day)?  She needs an entirely new outfit.  Of course.  Why not?

Friends.  She has made so many new friends lately (primarily thanks to our move - we live in the best neighborhood that is FULL of kids!), and she loves it.  I love watching her develop relationships with other kids.  It's so sweet and innocent.  Let's be real, though, there are times when she can be equally as UN-friendly as she is friendly with her friends.  The normal preschool relationship stuff, I guess, nothing out of the ordinary... the occasional violence, difficulty sharing, etc.  It's definitely there.  But then she reaches out and wants to hold their hand, she shares a toy or snack, gives them a hug and kiss, talks about them randomly when they aren't there ("Isaac is my favorite friend!", "I want to draw a picture for Ingrid", "I love my ECFE friends!")... and I know that the makings of an amazing friend are there - somewhere inside, developing quietly, waiting in the wings.

Blossoming Foodie.  The girl eats everything - well, okay, that's an overstatement.  But she'll at least try anything.  It seems she favors international foods more than anything - especially mediterranean (well, except for the general food group known as carbs.  Oh the love this girl has for carbs is astounding... sorry honey, but you didn't get that from me!).  We were at a housewarming party the other day and she loudly announced "I WOULD LIKE MORE OLIVES AND HUMMUS AND PITA, MAMA!".  She also likes Vietnamese food (above!).  A family favorite is Pho, and she's been eating at our favorite Pho place since she was a teeny tiny baby (and in fact we went there today for my dad's birthday!).  It's nice that we can take her anywhere and know that she'll be able to eat what we order, and that she'll be relatively well behaved at the restaurant (let's just say she's had a lot of practice).  We are trying our best to raise her to appreciate not only good food, but the culture of food and how it can bring people together.  How we relate to each other via food, over shared meals, etc.  Sharing meals together is as important to us as healthy, balanced food choices, and we hope that Eliza will grow up and feel the same.

Sleep.  As I mentioned before, she sleeps.  God Bless America, this child sleeps.  And we are so happy (and rested).  Not only does she sleep, but bedtimes are a lovely, easy experience for everyone involved.  Daddy gives her a bath, brushes her teeth, reads her books/sings her a song, and then it's "mama time": five (or so) minutes of milky in her bed, followed by singing "Simple Gifts".  I stay with her for a few minutes (or as she says, "lay with me in a minute, mama"), and then I tuck her in and say goodnight.  She is awake when I leave, and she falls asleep on her own.  This may not sound like much to some, but here in this house? It's nothing short of a miracle.  We are so very proud of her for this.  She really is turning into our big girl.

Teh Sweetness.  She has her moments, but oh is this girl sweet.  Just so so sweet (when she wants to be!).  She expresses real, genuine love for her family and friends quite often.  It's so cute.  And the way she's already so excited about her baby brother or sister?  There is nothing sweeter than hearing her talk about the baby in mama's belly.  She slays me.  This afternoon, I wasn't feeling particularly well, and I finally told her that (previously I'd just been trying to power through, but couldn't do it anymore today). She immediately told me to "lie down mama!", and she brought me a pillow, put it under my head, and then asked me if I'd like a blanket.  Then she brought a pillow to put over my belly, "for the baby" (uhh, yeah, we'll have to make sure she knows that's not cool once the baby is out!), and then sat with me and cuddled.

...

Okay, enough sap (and length - geesh!) for tonight.  Guess I could write a novel about that girl of mine.  Don't worry though, another day I'll write about those moments, those oh-my-god-get-me-out-of-here-before-I-scream moments that we all feel as parents.  Because believe me, they are numerous around here!!!!

That Happened.

I was that mom today.

In the grocery store parking lot, I was that mom whose kid yelled at the top of her lungs: "OW YOU'RE HURTING ME! YOU'RE A BAD MAMA!!!"

Awesome.  

I was walking to the car holding Eliza's hand and two bags of groceries*, and she wiggled her way from my grasp.  We have a firm parking lot rule about holding hands with a grown up, so of course I immediately told her she had to hold my hand and tried to grab it.  She darted away from me and so, I did what any parent would do... I grabbed her arm.  As I did so she turned, thus making it so I was was essentially twisting her arm.  Great.  Not what I was trying to do!  And that's when she lost it and started screaming that I was a bad mom.  Right there in front of the five o'clock yuppie rush.

Sigh.

On our way home, I explained to her that I wasn't trying to hurt her, I was trying to keep her safe and when she runs free in a parking lot, I can't keep her safe, blah blah blah... I was being all calm and explaining all this to her in a soothing way, in my best "mama loves you" sweet mama voice, apologizing for accidentally hurting her... mommy would never hurt her... etc... 

And then, from the back seat:

"You're a bad mom."

Seriously?  Those words?  Almost made me cry.  

Ugh.  This parenting stuff is hard sometimes!

*Stupid Whole Foods Paycheck and their no cart caddies in the whole entire freaking parking lot... you have to leave the grocery cart at the front door and haul your bags to your car, or leave your kid in the car while you go return the cart.  Guess I know which I will be doing from now on!  And also, as long as we're on the subject, why must you be so gosh darn appealing, Whole Foods? Why? You and your organic blueberries that taste so damn good I must go back for more as soon as I run out.  You and your amazing salad bar for $7.99/lb, your 2/$5 sale on my favorite Kombucha.  I swear to MOSES I went in there today and I just needed, like, 2 lemons and a box of cereal, and somehow I left $30 poorer.  How does that even happen?  Do I enter some sort of time and money warp when I walk through your sliding doors???  WTH????

This is Hard: Part One

What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first step of something better.
—Wendell Phillips

Two weeks ago, I withdrew from my Ph.D. program. 

(Oof, that was hard to write.  To see in black and white like that, it's still a bit jarring.  Knowing a decision is right and feeling an immediate happiness about it are not necessarily synonymous, I'm learning.)

It goes without saying that this decision was not an easy one.  I hung on to that program, clinging by my fingernails for so long, trying to convince myself that this was what I wanted.  This was what I wanted.  Right?  

I thought it was.

Let's get right to it.

It was a heart-wrenching decision, yes.  One that I put a great deal of thought, tears, and sleepless nights into.  But, as soon as I made it, I knew it was right.

I finally came to that place I was afraid to go for so very long.  That place of questioning this path I was on; a place I didn't ever let my mind travel, always halting that train of thought before it gathered steam, afraid of what I might find if I did.  Gradually, I let my mind go there and it led me to admit to myself that my long-term goals had changed, and a Ph.D. was no longer what I wanted.  While I do love to teach, I am not equally keen on research.  The thought of committing myself to a career in academia, to a job that held research, publishing, and securing outside funding in higher regard than the quality of my teaching made my sad.  Weary.  Not at all excited for the future.  

So the bottom line is: I know I want to serve students through teaching and advocacy in some capacity someday, but the job description and lifestyle - both now, but especially later on - that come with a tenure-track position is no longer what I want.  Given all of this, both the time and financial commitments of finishing the Ph.D. would have been too great for me and my family.  

And then, after a great deal of self reflection, having finally admitted to myself that I was continuing down a path I knew wasn't right for me, I wondered why I was still on it.

I had slowly (omg so slowly) accepted that I really truly did not need a PhD to do what I want to do, but I had stopped there.  So then, I had to ask myself the hard, and yet so logical, next question: then what are you doing, Ella? Why are you still trying? Still trying to make everyone think you will finish?  Telling people this is what you want?  

My answer, when I finally came to it, was sad:  It was simply because I was afraid of what people would think of me if I stopped.  I finally came to terms with this, recognizing how deeply flawed it was, and in that instant I knew in my heart that withdrawing was the right decision.  

The more I thought about all of this -- all the years I'd put into this program, the questions I would inevitably have to face, the reality of my decision -- the more I realized how much being a parent has changed me. Would I have finished if I hadn't decided to start a family mid-way through my doctoral program?  Maybe, maybe not.  But more than that, being a parent showed me so much more about what is important in this life - that's what had changed most. All those things I wanted to teach my daughter about life? About living her one precious life?  I couldn't just tell her about it, tell her how to do it.  I had to live it.  

I had to show her.  

Do I want to teach my child that continuing with something you feel isn't right for you just because you're afraid what other people might think or say is how you should live your life?  No.  I want better for her.  I want her to be true to herself.  I want her to have enough faith in herself to make the hard choices - those choices that will bring her closer to living a genuine, true-to-herself life.  

I have to show her.  

And in doing so, I will live a more true-to-me life.

So.

The decision was made.  There was a sigh of relief... followed by a stomach twisting urge to hurl, and expletive after expletive running through my mind.  Oh dear God, I'd have to tell my advisor.  I'd have to tell my parents.

I'd have to tell... everyone.  

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

—Mary Oliver

She Sleeps

Yes, my child is finally sleeping through the night.  Many of you mamas out there are probably wondering why this is such a big deal for a 2.75 year old child, right?  I mean, shouldn't she have been doing that a loooong time ago?  This is America, after all (I don't know what that has to do with it, it just sounded good).  But if you've read my blog for a while, you know that we do things... what's the word I'm looking for? Painfully SLOOOOWLY around these parts.  We wean slowly (yup, still nursing), we introduce foods on the later end of average (but thank you, BLW, for helping my child learn to love good food!), and so I guess it is only logical that our child would take her sweet time figuring out how to get that body of hers to sleep for more than 4 hours in one stretch.  But thank the good Lord, because I was seriously about to lose my ever-loving mind.

It started when this mama finally felt ready to night wean.  Wait, I didn't tell you about that?  Finally in March we had night weaning boot camp.  I mean, Eliza was 2 years and 4 months old.  IT WAS TIME.  So, one night I suited up with a sports bra and a turtle neck and put my sweet girl to sleep telling her that we would have milk when the sun shined, but no more milky at nighttime (thanks to this book for helping her understand and for illustrating a beautiful scene of a toddler nursing in mama and daddy's bed!).  And, wouldn't you know, just as everyone predicted, it wasn't as hard as I expected it to be.  We comforted her, held her and talked to her when she would wake up in her big girl bed (we were also at the same time trying to get her out of the habit of spending half the night sleeping with us - she was getting to be a big girl and we were running out of space in our Queen bed!), and eventually she would fall back asleep.  The first week was rough, she would be awake in the middle of the night for 1-3 hours, but eventually she learned how to fall asleep on her own.  Gently, and knowing that we were right there if she needed us.  It was, as most things in our parenting have been, a gentle way of helping her learn this important skill.  It taught me a lot, too, about her capabilities, her intelligence, and made me realize that she likely would have been ready for night weaning a lot sooner.  But, it (nursing at night) was working for us... and then suddenly, it stopped working (I got resentful and suuuuper crabby), and so I knew it was time.  I've followed that mantra a lot in my parenting - do what works for you, and then stop when it doesn't.  Who cares what someone else does, or what a book says you "should" be doing? Only you know your family/baby/toddler/child.

Anyway, once that was done I thought surely she'll be sleeping through the night soon, right?  RIGHT?  I mean, she knows she can't have milk in the middle of the night, why would she wake up?  I thought this was in the bag, dude.  I thought for SURE she'd be sleeping through the night peacefully in no time at all.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh how I laugh at my March and April self.  No, for some reason, our kid was the one who, even when she nightweaned, still woke up about 2-3 times at night.  Y'know, just to check in and say HI!HOWSITGOINMA?  And so we continued this trend for many weeks, and then, just as it was getting better and she was down to waking up only once on average, we up and moved.  And her sleeping started to suck harder, and she was spending close to the entire night sleeping with us, and... then we were all crabby once again (this girl is very limb-y and all of those lanky limbs flail.  Hard.  In the middle of the night.).  So it took a week of leading her back into her bedroom every time she would come into our bed at night - and wow is that hard when you are sleeping SO hard and she comes in and all you really want to do is pull her into bed with you so you can just go the f back to sleep... but we stuck to it.  Every night, every time she'd come in, we'd lead her back to her bed.  Time after time after time.  And I was dragging each morning (I need a lot of sleep - like at least 8 solid hours), but it eventually started working.  We talked about it a lot during the day, too, how big girls sleep all night in their big girl beds, and how mama and daddy are more fun when they get enough sleep.  When she would sleep all night, she would be SO proud of herself in the morning.  She would run into our bedroom and shout "Mama I slept all night in my big girl bed!" and we would cheer and tell her how happy we were and how proud of her we were.  And you could see that she was proud too.

Here we are three months later and I can say that *most* nights, like maybe 6 out of 7 nights, she is sleeping all night.  Usually falling asleep "like a big girl" (no nursing to sleep, our latest venture), and sleeping all the way to... 6, maybe 6:30.  Yeah, that's not so hot, it would be awesome if it was more like 7:30 or 8, but hey, I guess I need to count my blessings.

There you have it.  To most, it doesn't sound like much to say that my almost-3-year-old is finally sleeping through the night in her own bed...but for us it is huge.  We got there in our own time, together, and as gently as we could.  Yes, it took a long time and most moms look at me like I am full on cray-cray whenever I feel brave enough to share our "method".  We did what felt right to us at the time, we let that guide us, and we couldn't be more pleased with the outcome.

How Long?

"How long do you plan on breastfeeding?"  

This is a question I was asked recently.  By a (near)stranger.  Um... really?  Is this something we are asking people now?  

Anyway, I guess the question itself wouldn't have bothered me if I didn't feel as though it was asked with undertones of "you aren't going to breastfeed her until she's, like, 4, right?" 

This question has always bothered me...the idea that there is an age at which all babies/toddlers should stop breastfeeding is...ridiculous.  Right?  I mean, why should someone else tell me or my child when we should be done nursing?  And frankly, why on earth would someone else care?  I don't get it.

The fact of the matter is, she is not going to be breastfeeding in high school.  Or even in junior high.  Or elementary school (well, probably not, lol ;).  So, what's the big deal?  Why is it so weird for a 2, 3, 4+ year old to still want to nurse once in a while?  

Even if it's not for you and your family, why comment or judge others?  

Child-led weaning is not for every woman, every family... and that is my point, I guess.  The decisions you make will be different than mine.  But so what?  Why can't we all just make our own decisions about what's right for our own family without judgement or questioning?

I know that there will come a day when Eliza (or any toddler) is no longer interested in nursing; one day, she will decide she is done and she will wean.  I don't know when that day will be, and so, Stranger With the Inappropriately Personal Question, I can't answer your query.  Although, based on what I know about my dear girl, my guess is that it won't be this year, and it probably won't even be next year... but it will happen (so don't worry).

But really, for us, the question was inaccurate - the question really isn't how long am *I* going to/plan to breastfeed my daughter... the question in this situation is how long does Eliza want to continue nursing?  

So, I guess I should have answered her by saying: "ask Eliza!". 

Parenting a Sick Kid 101

Today, I got schooled.

I feel like I've been through some sort of rite of passage of parenthood.

Parenting a sick kid.  Like, the most miserable I've ever seen the poor girl.

Diagnosis?  Croup.  She'll be fine, it's nothing serious, and so I am counting my blessings.  It could be a lot worse.

We noticed a runny nose yesterday morning, and it progressed into a bad cough by evening.  By the time she went to bed last night, it was so bad that she couldn't sleep.  Each cough woke her up and she would cry the most sad, grumpy cry I've ever heard.  It was so sad.  It was obvious that the cough hurt her.  She would sleep for maybe 30-45 minutes at a time before waking up crying and coughing.  She really didn't even want to nurse, she was so upset.  She was up three times between 7:30 and 9:30, so at the 9:30 wake-up, I just went ahead and brought her into bed with us then - not that it helped her sleep better...I think hubby and I slept maybe 4 hours, and Eliza probably slept like 8, interrupted.

She woke up at 5:45am and walked around the house howling and clearly unhappy - not even her favorite toys or books could distract her or perk her up.  At around 7:00 she was sitting in my lap on the couch whimpering, and I asked her "Eliza, do you want to go back to sleep?" and she said, very clearly, "yesh".  Oh, my heart just broke!  It was both cute and sad at the same time.  My poor bubby.  We both went back to bed and slept until 8:45.

As soon as we woke up I called and made her an appointment and they had an opening at 9:30, so off we went.  Our fantastic PNP was so kind and gentle with Eliza.  She said it sounded like croup, so she sent us off with a prescription for steroids. (Oh, and btw Eliza weighed 29 lbs 2 ozs this morning, just thought I'd throw that in there!).

So we picked up the Rx - a red, sweet-smelling liquid (ick).  I gave Eliza the first dose.  She gagged and promptly thew it up all over herself and me.  So, I called the pharmacist (who, btw, has got to be like 22 years old) and he told me to mix it with chocolate pudding because "chocolate masks bad tastes best".  Uh-huh.  After Eliza's stellar 45-minute nap, we run back to the pharmacy to get the stupid pudding, and also to get a replacement for the medicine we lost.

Back home, I mixed the medicine into the pudding.  I gave one tiny spoonful to Eliza and again, she instantly gagged and thew up.  WHAT THE?  So I taste it.  Oh. My. Good. Lord.  It is quite possibly the worst thing I have EVER tasted.  I make mental note to save it in case someone needs to throw up something in the future - seriously, the reaction was immediate and physical, like your body is telling you GET IT OUT!  ABORT MISSION!  NOOOO!!!  The chocolate pudding did nothing to dull the gag-inducing flavor.  Poor thing - why didn't I taste it earlier, like BEFORE giving it to my child?  Rookie mistake.  New rule!

I call the man-child-pharmacist.  Sorry, no other options, he tells me.  Hmmm... I don't believe you, Doogie Howser, PharmD.  I call our PNP and she says that YES, in fact there is a pill version that she can prescribe that we can crush and add it to liquid or food and give it to her that way, though she can't promise that the pill will taste any better.  Sign us up, it's worth a shot.

Call hubby.  Ask him to please come home - sick baby, tired mama, rainy day, and I really don't want to drag baby back out to the pharmacy for the THIRD time today.  So he picks it up on the way home, along with some ice cream.  I chastise him for buying the full-fat ice cream (the horror!).  Then, five minutes later I thank him because it was the perfect vehicle to get the crushed-up pill into our dear girl. She gobbles it down.  I bet it felt soothing to her throat, too.  And, it was B&J's Cherry Garcia, so she got her first taste of her mama and daddy's favorite ice cream (we used to buy pints of Cherry Garcia in college - now the taste of that ice cream reminds me of those days!!).

Then, we all cuddled up on the couch and watched some Thomas the Tank on Net.flix instant.  She usually doesn't get to just sit on the couch and watch TV with mom and dad, so it was a special treat.  I felt guilty about it at first (and about the ice cream, too), but then I was reminded that when you're sick, it's nice to get special treats from mom and dad.  I will always remember getting special treatment when I was sick as a kid and it made the day a little brighter when I felt otherwise crappy.  So, I just reminded myself that now I get to do that for Eliza.  Now I'm the mom who says "it's going to be okay" and will bring ice cream and popsicles and ginger ale to my girl when she's not feeling well (er, in the future... she's not getting popsicles or ginger ale quite yet ;), and cuddles her on the couch while we watch movies together.  It's weird, especially when I can so vividly remembering being the sick kid on the couch, my mom and dad taking care of me...

Anyway.

That was our day.  Most of it.  The end part was the same as always, just an hour earlier for the tired girl - dinner, bath, bed.  She's woken up once since she fell asleep at 6:45, so already we're doing better than last night.

It was not an easy day, but we made it, and there will be many days like it in my future so I guess I better get used to it.  It comes with the territory.  But MAN, no one ever tells you about how awful it is when your baby is sick.  You feel so so bad for them (and for yourself a little bit, too, if I'm being honest).  All you can do is hold them, tell them it will be better tomorrow and... feed them ice cream.

But, I'm still new at this parenting thing, so don't quote me on that last one..

Our One and Only?

Hubby and I feel pretty certain that we would like to try to have another baby at some point.  Who knows what will happen, but we'd at least like to try.  I know that life may have other plans... and I have to accept that bringing home a sibling for Eliza may be a long road.  BUT, let's just pretend for a moment that we're a couple who can "plan" like so many millions of couples out there (haha!  The word "plan" used in this context makes me laugh).

So.  The question is: when?


I think I should back up and say that things are so wonderful right now... our little family of three seems the perfect size.  Eliza is all we ever hoped for, in so many ways she is all we need, and we don't feel that feeling of 'incompleteness' that I've heard other parents talk about after having their first child.

We feel very complete.  Whole.  A perfect little family.

And yet, we still know we want another baby someday.  It's a dichotomy, for sure.

I don't know if this contentment is because of everything we went through to bring Eliza home, or... because we are just so very fulfilled by the present...?  I don't know.  But I can say for certain that I have everything I need and want right now, and yet I know that I want to do it all again someday - bring home another baby and make Eliza a big sister (she would be a great big sister!).

But when?

That's the question I don't have the answer to.  The only answer I can give is: not right now.  


Well that clears things up, doesn't it?

So, I'm curious about spacing (and at the same time I type this, I go back to my previous comment about how ridiculous a notion child spacing is to begin with...).  Is there an ideal number of months/years?  No.  I mean, I don't think so.  I know there is an ideal length of time between pregnancies for one's body, but I think I am nearing that time and this will no longer be a consideration soon.

I guess this post isn't really going anywhere except to ask you all, my wonderful, kind, and beautiful readers, for your thoughts - on any or all of what I have written.  Am I crazy?  Am I normal?  When did you feel ready to add to your family and how did you know it was the right time?  Did an unexpected "oops" leave you happier than you ever thought you'd be? (oh there are days when I wish this would happen to us... I dream of finding out I'm pregnant and already 8 or 9 weeks along with a strong little heartbeat already there!).  Do you think there is an 'ideal' spacing between siblings?

(Let me be clear in saying that I realize that I am beyond lucky to be able to even write about this topic.  I know so many women who don't have the luxury of thinking about this subject... I wish infertility would just go away and leave all my friends alone...)

The 'Helicopter Parent' Backlash

I have been away for awhile - away from blogging, that is - school has taken over my brain and the precious time I have when Eliza is asleep (and I am not), so I haven't been able to give much thought to blogging, except for a photo here or there.  I've missed it, though, and I hope to get back to it soon.  I'm on spring break now, and we are getting ready for a trip out to the west coast to visit a dear friend and her husband and to soak up some much-needed relaxing vacation vibes (and sun, too, if there is any out there waiting for us!).

But first I just have to share this.  I know I'm a little late to this newsflash, and many people have probably read about this already.  It's the trend in parenting towards a slower, simpler family life at home and a paradigm that in general, involves less crazy worry and fear (about everything) and more reasonable, rational parenting - the backlash to the "Helicopter Parent" as they have been coined -- those parents who are constantly buzzing around their child in every area of their life, both physically and metaphorically.

I read this article (published Nov 20, 2009 - I guess I really AM late in reading it!  Though, I was a bit busy that week...!), and came across this website of mommy bloggers who are standing up and declaring that they won't put up with all the fear-mongering that surrounds parenting these days.  They advocate for and try to live a slower, more reasonable lifestyle - one in which kids aren't always entertained 24/7, and one in which we teach our kids that it's okay to make mistakes -- basically, a lifestyle that allows a kid to be a kid and explore his or her world independently without so much fear and worry on the part of us - the parents :).

The author of the article I linked to, which was published in Time Magazine, also talks about being reasonable about risk and asserts that we have lost the ability to reasonably asses risk, to the point that we are worrying about all the wrong things - things that are, statistically speaking, really unlikely to actually happen:


"Refusing to vaccinate your children, as millions now threaten to do in the case of the swine flu, is statistically reckless; on the other hand, there are no reports of a child ever being poisoned by a stranger handing out tainted Halloween candy, and the odds of being kidnapped and killed by a stranger are about 1 in 1.5 million."


And about the fear of boredom:


""[Children] need...space not to be entertained or distracted. What boredom does is take away the noise ... and leave them with space to think deeply, invent their own game, create their own distraction. It's a useful trampoline for children to learn how to get by.""


I also thought the following quote was interesting -- they talk about how this "overparenting" can go right up to the college years (and probably beyond for some), and how schools are responding, trying to get parents to back down:


"Teresa Meyer, a former PTA president at Hickman High in Columbia, Mo., has just sent the youngest of her three daughters to college. "They made it very clear: You are not invited to the registration part where they're requesting classes. That's their job." She's come to appreciate the please-back-off vibe she's encountered. "I hope that we're getting away from the helicopter parenting," Meyer says. "Our philosophy is 'Give 'em the morals, give 'em the right start, but you've got to let them go.' They deserve to live their own lives.""


I was really struck by this article and the movement toward more reasonable parenting, and it made me recognize some of the "overparenting" I fall into doing with Eliza - I think in general I already ascribed to this mindset in many ways, but there are definitely moments when I can easily get caught up in worry and a desire to, perhaps, "over"protect her and make sure everything is perfect.  Of course, there is a place for worry and careful protection of our children, but I think the message of this movement is that it is a fine line we walk, and parents can swing - and in fact, have swung - too far to the point that some are losing all sense of reason when it comes to parenting.


Anyway, the article says it more eloquently that I can, so I'd suggest giving it a read!  


I hope everyone has a great week!

Diaper-Free by 2012?

Potty training is still a ways away for Eliza, but we're starting "potty awareness" already.  We're following her lead, though, so as not to push it.  Over the past month she has started to show us that she is becoming quickly aware of her bodily functions, and it's really interesting - and kind of amazing for such a little person!  She can tell us when she pees, or perhaps just after, when she can feel her wet diaper.  She points to her diaper when it needs to be changed - it's quite handy sometimes actually!  All we've been doing is talking to her about peeing and pooping and explaining to her that that wet feeling in her diaper is because she peed, and that sometime soon, she will pee in the potty like mama and dada.

Part of this process includes leaving the door open when we use the bathroom.  Quite honestly, I've been doing this for a while when I'm at home alone with her, so it's not a big change for me.  I've just started talking about it more with her.  I know she understands me, because she will point to her diaper when I talk to her about it and sometimes she'll point to the toilet, too, so she definitely gets the connection.

I think in the next couple of months we will get a little potty chair to put in the bathroom.  I figure it can't hurt to introduce her to it and get her interested in the process, even if she is many months away from official potty training.  Though, I'll admit, it would be nice if she potty trained on the early side... as much as I love cloth diapering (and her cute CD bum!!), it will be nice to not change diapers for a while!

What are your experiences with potty awareness/learning/training?

Hooray for Celine!

I just read an excerpt from an interview with Celine Dion (who delivered twins in October) and was pleasantly surprised by her candor in regards to the early postpartum days that every mother - in or out of Hollywood - experiences:


“In reality, I’ve had almost no time getting a shower and feeding myself. My preoccupation has been eating sensibly,” she shares. “My only worry has been to be able to open and close [my tops] quickly for breastfeeding. It’s been out of the question to even wear a blouse!”


How many celebrities do you know who openly talk about breastfeeding and the difficulties of new motherhood?  It's quite refreshing.


[Read more here]

Balancing Act

Our Wednesday

5:45 - Wake up call!  My dear girl is up and at 'em (did you know I used to think that saying was actually "up and adam"??), so it's time to drag myself out of bed.  Honestly, I am pretty zombie-like at this point.  Go to the bathroom, splash water on my face, try to wake up!  Thank goodness hubby is still home to play with Eliza for a few minutes.

6:00 - Okay, I'm more awake now... check email, throw a load of clothes in the wash, then relieve Daddy so he can get ready for work.  Play with mah baybee!

7:00 - Say goodbye to Daddy, then breakfast time!  Eggs and pancakes today.  My mom joins us (and brings aforementioned pancakes - hey, I made the eggs!).

8:30 - Naptime.  Eliza and I nap together - this is such a guilty pleasure.  I know I could be getting work done, but I just need the sleep so badly.  I will not apologize! :)

10:00 - Wake up.  Laze around for a while before getting out of bed, we play the tickle game and sing.

10:30 - Get ready to leave the house: both dressed, diaper changed (Eliza, lol) and we're off.  I drop Eliza off at Grandma and Grandpa daycare, and I could go study.  I have a presentation to work on that's due tomorrow.  I go off to the coffee shop (well, actually, to a restaurant inside a grocery store that also has a coffee shop).  Work work work from about 11:00-1:40, then I head home.

1:50 - Quickly use the bathroom (first time since this morning!!), go downstairs to throw the clothes in the dryer.

1:55 - My mom drops Eliza off.

2:00 - Put Eliza down for a nap.  She's asleep by 2:10 or so.  Go wash breakfast dishes, then start a load of dipes in the washer.  Start dinner (I love my crockpot!!!).  Answer annoying student emails.  Work on presentation.

3:00 - Eliza wakes up fussy (=still tired), nurse her back to sleep, put her back in crib.  She wakes up.  Repeat.  She wakes up again.  Still seems tired... try again.  Nope, we're awake now!  Change diaper.  Play.  Read books.  Play with toys.  Listen to music.  Sing.  Crawl around and harass cats.

3:30 - Oops, forgot about clothes in the dryer - go downstairs and get them, hang them up (hmm, kind of wrinkled...may have to iron later - dangit!).  Start 2nd wash on dipes.

4:00 - Head over to my parents' house to visit new kittens.  Play with kittens!  Work in my parents' kitchen on my laptop while Eliza plays with Grandma, Grandpa, and the kittens.

5:15 - Go home and finish dinner while Eliza plays on the floor at my feet.  She hits this time of day and is NOT OKAY with playing by herself, so I carry her around the kitchen or she either plays in the cabinets or hangs onto my legs while I pivot around her going from the stove to the sink to the fridge. Good thing our kitchen is so tiny!  

5:35 - Daddy get home (early today!).  Eliza and Daddy play while I finish up dinner.  

5:55 - Eat dinner.  Yum!  

6:20 - Eliza tells us she's "all done".  Wash hands and face.  Run water for tub.  Daddy gets his guitar and we sing (Sloop John B was tonight's selection).  

6:25 - Daddy takes over for bathtime.  I go clear the table, was the dishes, clean the counters and stove.  Listen to Eliza and Daddy in the bathroom laughing, singing, reading books, playing "where is Eliza's nose/ear/eyes...".  Stop to appreciate this awesome life.  Start 2nd rinse on dipes.  Change my clothes, get Eliza's PJs and nighttime diaper ready.  Grab towel, go check on bathtime buddies.  

6:45 - Get Eliza out of the tub, diaper and PJs on (no small feat these days, she HATES this part of her day).  Bedtime!  

7:15 - Eliza asleep.  Put dipes in the dryer.  Share a little dessert with hubby.  Make tea.  Sit down with laptop to start working.  Procrastinate and blog instead.  

8:13 - Okay, it's really time to work now... 

I love this life.  I love it so much.  It's a balancing act, but it's such a good, fulfilling one - especially on days like today when the balance was fairly even between work and play.  I am a lucky woman!

(Also: I realize how very VERY lucky I am to have my parents - they watch Eliza for me when I am at school and when I need to get work done.  What would I do without them???)

Back

Time has been flying by, as usual.  I blinked and a week went by since my last post.

School started yesterday, which marked the official end to my almost-ten-month maternity leave.  I know.  That's a really long time.  I was really really lucky.  I am really really lucky.

Even though that I'm technically "back to school/work", I still don't have to be physically away from Eliza for many hours a week.  Yesterday I was gone about 3 hours.  My parents watched her and, even though she wouldn't take an afternoon nap for them, she did great.  She was happy as can be and didn't even notice I was gone.  Tomorrow I'll be at school for about 6 hours.  This will officially be the longest I've ever been away from her.  Again, I know, I shouldn't complain, right?  That's nothing compared to some moms.  But still, it's all relative and for me it's going to be hard.  But I know I will get used to it, and so will she.

I'm sad to be back in some ways -- and it's not just because I have to be physically away from her -- my mind is also elsewhere now... thinking, worrying, planning, etc.  Focusing on classes, writing papers, teaching, managing the course website... my mind is always 'on' now and I'm constantly thinking of things I need to do.  It's a little different than what I've been used to.  But, again, I know I will get used to it.

Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing.  Even though it's challenging, there are many benefits to having  a baby in grad school (never thought you'd hear that, I bet)  My schedule is great, and I've been able to spend almost ten whole months focused on my daughter without worrying about losing my job.

My mom says she is who she is because of me; she is a happy, contented baby and that it's because of me and the time we've spent together.  I hope so.  I hope this time we've had together has shaped her for the better.  It has been wonderful to be able to be there for her 24/7 - to allow her to nurse on-demand, to nap with her, to lay on the floor and play with her all morning, to take her to play dates, out to lunch, to see friends, go shopping... she's been my constant companion.  She will still be my nearly-constant companion, but still... I'm going to miss having her around all day every day!

We will all adjust to the new way of things, and then, we will adjust again when the next set of changes comes along down the road.  That's part of life, and although I will be the first to admit that it's not my favorite part of life -- I never have been a fan of change -- it's a whole lot easier when I have such a wonderful, happy, beautiful, smart baby and a loving husband by my side.

Answers - Part One!

Wow, you guys, I didn't think I'd get so many questions!  Thanks!  Oh this is fun!  Here are the first few I managed to finish while Eliza napped today (please feel free to leave more questions in the comments of the original post if you want to!):


Jen asks: What is something you know now that you wish you would've known right away when you got home from the hospital to make your daily lives run more smoothly???  This might not be the kind of answer you were hoping for..... but here ye be: That everything is going to be OKAY, and to relax a little bit with the feelings of OMIGODWHATIFIDOITALLWRONG???  What I mean is... I wish I could go back and tell myself that - hey - if it WORKS for you, and you feel good about it, just do it, and don't feel guilty.  Don't worry about what some book says you should be doing.  Don't worry about what your mother/step-grandmother/friend's mother-in-law/whathaveyou says.  There is absolutely - hands-down - more than one way to do something, and there is NO right way to do it - just one right way for your family.  So, if it WORKS for you to have your baby sleep in his crib - GREAT!  If it works for you to have your baby sleep in your bed with you - PERFECT!  If it works for you to have your baby sleep in a tree fort in the BACKYARD - well... that's weird, but OKAY.  I wish I would have - right from the beginning - followed my instinct and not questioned it or second guessed it.  It would've helped me feel better about things and I think the first few weeks would have gone a little more smoothly.


Alyssa asks: 


1) Do you feel like your roll of "mommy" has completely taken over, or do you still feel like Ella?  Good question.  I hear many women say that the role of "mommy" takes over and their own sense of self goes away... I can honestly say that I still feel like myself.  I definitely take this seriously; in order to be a good mom to Eliza, I know that it's important to keep my sense of self, of who *I* am, and to get "me" time.  So, yes, I feel like I still am Ella, but I know that it would be easy to slip into being only Eliza's Mommy if I didn't make sure to carve out some time to keep me ME: Eliza's Mommy, and Ella.


2) How has your relationship changed with your husband (if at all)?  I really don't think our relationship itself has changed, per se, but it is definitely true that we have had to change how we "do" us... hm... that sounded weird.  I mean, we've had to re-negotiate how to be a happy married couple and happy parents at the same time, and to do both of those things well.  My husband and I have always believed that our marital relationship is priority #1 (okay, it's mostly been ME telling HIM why this is true and HIM believing me) - that it should come before kids, because if we don't work on our relationship, it might not be there in the future.  And so, we take time.  We have always done this, but now it's a little more challenging to find time.  But we look for it, and we take it when we see it.  We take the time after Eliza goes to sleep (and before we do) - some nights it's 2 hours, some nights it's 5 minutes.  We leave Eliza with my parents for an hour and go to the great little Thai place in our neighborhood for dinner once in a while.  Or we run errands together on Sundays and chat as we grocery shop or buy cat litter.  So yeah, in that way, our relationship has had to change - there aren't as many overtly romantic, easy opportunities to work on us.


Wendy asks:


1) How have your parents and IL been as grandparents? Grandparents are THE BEST.  My parents live nearby, so they have been able to help us out with Eliza, which has been soooooo wonderful.  They love watching her and are just great with her, it is really amazingly cool to see my parents in their new roles.  My ILs live about 3 hours away so we haven't been able to see them as often, and my MIL broke her foot so it's been hard for her to travel recently, and with Eliza's declaration of WWIII on her car seat, a drive that long hasn't been very realistic... (though we are hoping to drive there for Easter now that now Eliza has started to - OMG YOU WON'T EVEN BELIEVE THIS - sleep in her car seat once in a while (but only if we put her in it around nap time)).  But we send them photos and I'm sure she'll see them more often this Summer.  Eliza is so very very loved by her grandparents, she is a lucky girl.

2) Have there been any IL issues?  No, and in fact there haven't been many family issues in general - on either side!  People really seem to think we're doing a good job as parents (imagine THAT!), so we haven't gotten many you're-doing-it-wrong comments from anyone.


Dawn asks: How has breastfeeding been going?  Oh I'm so glad someone asked this.  I haven't had any issues BFing, it has been going really really well.  I love love LOVE it.  I know some women struggle with BFing so I consider myself very lucky.  I had a cracked nip.ple really early on, but once that went away, we've been great!  It is a very special part of our day.  Eliza loves it, too :)  She's a great nurser.  She's still nursing about 10 times a day or so.  Honestly, I can't say enough about it... it's just... the most perfect experience.  I have always wanted to do extended BFing (my mom did with both me and my brother), so hopefully Eliza will want that too!


(omg the spacing in this post is driving me crazy!)

Realities

• Showering. I think I'm finally up to showering at least three times a week - hooray! Let's not talk about how often I showered when we first brought her home. Thanks. Oh, and this may also apply to brushing my teeth... eeeggghhhh... yeah. All I can say is I'm glad we're back to normal in that department.

• Running to the store. Having a baby in the wintertime (and especially right before a blizzard), you just don't want to leave the cozy warm house very often and brave the freeeeezing cold temps. And so, your Tar.get runs become less frequent. But no problem, you have a husband! And so, you put a shopping list together. You put "shampoo" on it. HOWEVER, if you think that means he'll know which shampoo brand to buy, you might be incorrect in that assumption, and you might end up shampooing your hair with Sua.ve Green Apple shampoo. It could happen.

• Sleeping. We bought a co-sleeper before she was born, put it next to our bed and planned for her to sleep in it from day 1. And then day 1 got here, and it was 2 am on day 1, and she wouldn't sleep, and we hadn't slept in like 20 hours... and so I brought her into our bed, and - gasp! - let her sleep on her side because the girl LOATHES sleeping on her back - and WE ALL SLEPT! So, it turns out that the reality is YOU DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO SLEEP. And so, for now, we share sleep. And we're cool with it (thank you, Dr. Sears!).

• Being a Mom is awesome. This is my favorite reality. It's so true. Eliza fits into our family like a missing puzzle piece. It's beautiful. It's surreal. I love being her mom. She is my little sugar bear, my Eliza bean, my precious miracle. I couldn't be more grateful for my life and my little family. We are complete.

(Excuse me while I go try to get the green apple scent out of my hair...)