(Random) Picture Post

Eliza, my mom and I went to a little Easter egg hunt put on by the healthcare system my mom works for.  They had a waffle breakfast too.  Eliza loved it.

Eliza loves the poster in my midwife's office showing the growing fetus.  Here she's pointing to how big "her baby" was at a recent appointment.

Helping prime the basement walls.

Eliza and one of her BFFs Emma at the zoo.  These two are the cutest.

THE CUTEST! Right?

Dyeing Easter eggs.

The three of us on Easter (zomg I look tired...)

The girl loves her some Lush bath bombs.

Hugging the new carpet in our newly finished basement!

38.5 weeks!

Baby P2 Update

I'm 38w2d today, so about 2 or 3 weeks left to go!  Eliza was born 8 days after her due date, so if I had to guess, I'd guess that I'll go late, but who knows!  We are more or less ready for her to come (if one is ever ready!?), so I'm not too worried either way.

Overall, this pregnancy has been wonderful, and has been very similar to my pregnancy with Eliza.  I have loved being pregnant and I know I've been SO lucky.  I count my blessings; I know it is not so easy for some women.

I go in on Monday for my next appointment, I'll be nearly 39 weeks.  I don't plan to have my midwife check my cervix until 40 weeks, though.  No need, in my opinion.  UNLESS I'm having contractions or something!  I had a NST on Friday and baby passed easily and quickly, so that was a good feeling.

I'm hoping for a waterbirth, just like we tried for last time.  I know it's out of my control... but I really hope labor is more progressive and a bit faster this time around.  That will help get me through naturally, I think.  I feel like I did great for the first 10 or 12 hours in labor with Eliza, so if baby can come in that amount of time, I think I'll be able to do it.  Eliza was born after about 15-16 hours of labor, which wasn't horrible, but it just wore me out and by 2:00 in the morning I needed an epidural to get me to relax and progress.  I have no regrets about her birth (of course!) and I am happy with the decisions we made.  Just hoping for more efficient progression this time, that's all.

My labor support team will be my midwife, my mom and of course my hubby :)  I couldn't ask for a better team, and I know I can trust the advice and care I will receive.  It's a great feeling, and makes me not stress at all about going into labor or giving birth.  I'm feeling so grateful for the amazing mama I have. Being the daughter of a midwife finally has perks when you're an adult... I'm sure my pre-teen/teenaged self would scoff at this and not believe it could ever be true, but it turns out, it is! :)

I'm hoping to finish up the nursery soon so I can post a few photos.  It's a sweet little room.  We didn't do anything fancy, and reused many of the things from Eliza's nursery.  I just love it and have enjoyed every minute of getting ready for our new baby girl!  The anticipation is so much fun.

Because it's in my nature, I have been somewhat stressed out lately.  My poor mother has had to hear me whine and complain about many topics - and they have all been fairly insignificant things, to be honest. I've just had a way lately of letting my mind get away from me and it's caused me to worry and obsess about things that, well, just aren't things one needs to or should worry about.  First world problems much?  Yep.  So, trying hard to focus on what's really important (enjoying this time with Eliza, relaxing my body and getting enough sleep in preparation for L&D, and picking out a name for this baby, for instance), and not obsess over things that are not (how clean/not clean my house is, whether the cat gets a haircut before I go into labor, whether we have a car seat adaptor for the stroller, how many onesies/CDs/disposable dipes/wipes/etc. we have/will need, etc... I could keep going, but I won't!).  It's normal, but MAN, it sure makes me feel crazy!!!

I'll update again soon - and geez, this blog has been lacking in the pictures department lately!  I'll try to remedy that, as well.

24 Weeks!

What?  24 weeks already?  No way dude.

Oh.  Yeah, maybe that is right...

So here's a boring ol' pregnancy update for your (not so entertaining) entertainment: I feel awesome, I love pregnancy just as much as I did with Eliza, and I am in complete denial that this might be my last 24 week belly shot.  Who KNOWS, but we are pretty certain we'll be done after two.  But... but, who knows, right?  RIGHT?  

I love the kicks, the punches, and watching the belly rock and roll when I lay in bed.  It's the best time to feel great, I know, I'm like right in the middle of the honeymoon trimester so all this happy-happy-joy-joy could come to a screeching halt in a couple of months.  But for now, I'm pleased as punch to be where I am, feeling as great as I am (with the minor exception of Sciatica, which I also had with Eliza... it sucks, but it's totally manageable and isn't as bad as it could be).  And still, as I always will be, just so grateful.  I doubt I'll get over that one - the amazing luck that we've had with this pregnancy.  How "easy" it was - no miscarriages this go around when I was totally and completely expecting to have to go through at least one or even two to get to this point.  So very grateful.

That's the update.  Feeling good, loving watching my second baby girl grow and remembering how her big sister moved and stretched in the same place not so long ago.  And!  I'm also loving my maternity wardrobe (thanks to some awesome friends who loaned me some super cute and comfy winter clothes!).  

Not Wordless Wednesday: 17 Weeks Then & Now

17 weeks with Eliza

This is now what 17 weeks looks like (Same shirt! Didn't even plan that).

P2 Update

In the grand tradition of second babies, I have not updated as much about poor little P2 here as much as I did with Eliza.  It is so true what they say about not having the time to focus on (or sometimes even remember!) your second pregnancy.  

However, it doesn't mean that I am any less excited or in love with this little bean:

12w3d ultrasound - Profile of head/upper body, and those really intense jaws!

Our first trimester screening was yesterday and we got quite a long look at this little one.  Eliza came along and I looked at her face when the baby popped up on the screen and it was priceless.  She smiled and laughed and when the baby kicked and wiggled she said "the baby is dancing!".  This is such a fun age and I'm so glad she understands what is going on and is excited.

We won't get our results back until next week, but preliminary results were positive.  I know many couples choose not to do this screening; Andy and I choose to have it done because, in short, we want as much data about our babies as we can.  If there was something different about our baby, if he or she had down syndrome, knowing now would help us plan and prepare - emotionally, mentally, medically.  We'd rather do that now than later.  So, that's why we choose to do it.

Anyway.

Here's teh belleh on Saturday before Andy and I went out on a date - that right there is crazy to me, because I didn't look like that until 19 weeks with Eliza!

I'm feeling great and things are going well.  I could not be more grateful!

Mind Games

(I saw two lines a few weeks ago...)

...

Those two lines have lost all the energetic, happy meaning they used to hold.  That they still hold for other people jubilation and relief and happy tears is something I am aware of, but it's a concept so foreign to me that I can't even really imagine it anymore.  It's an out of focus picture, a blurry image I can't make sharp in my mind.  I know that I was that girl once, who took pictures with the positive test, who told her husband excitedly when he came home from work, who skipped around the house because I was going to have a baby!  

But.

You all know that girl is long gone.  Oh well, I say.  I wouldn't want to be that girl again anyway (okay maybe just a little bit).  Since then, I have learned so much, grown as a person, met incredible people, done amazing things... I'm more me now.  Does that make sense?

(Gah, I'm very tangential right now. Sorry.)

It's an interesting mind game that is played when one who has a history of RPL and has also successfully carried a healthy baby to term learns she is pregnant again.  

Hmmm, she thinks.  I've done this once... this worked once before... why not now? Why not again?  Maybe this one could just slip in under the radar all sly-like, mmkay?  Pretty please?

Oh that Hope, it is a feisty, determined little devil.  It never gives up, even when the odds are not in its favor.  Even when - hello, Ella - this is your, what are we up to now?  FIFTH?  Pregnancy?  Yes, yes that's right.  Good luck with that one (ah, there's the other player in this mind game, loudly filling my thoughts with doubt, efficiently tainting any hope that was (is?) there).

Ah well.  Each player has their say, and yet all we can do is trudge on.  And so we do.  Appointments are made, prescriptions are filled, and once again, The Business of Pregnancy-After-Loss commences.  No one is particularly excited (why would they be?) - except your mother and very best friends who hold on to that hope for dear life when you simply cannot allow yourself to go there.  My husband and I don't talk about it, we avoid discussions about baby names, nursery decor, May 2013 in general.

The unspoken words between us become so loud they are deafening.  It builds and builds, that silence, those unspoken words, to the point that I must say something to someone.  It bubbles out - once in a while - some little whisper about May (what a lovely time it would be to have a baby... to feel the warmth of the sunshine as I walk to the park with a baby nursing in a sling, holding Eliza's hand...).  I do it just so I can remember that this is happening.  That this is real.  At least for now.  And then I bottle it back up, praying that I can just save it for later, when we know.  When we know we have a chance.  October 1st is that day.  The day when it will be or it will not be.

...

October 1st arrives and it is a stunningly beautiful and warm fall day - Minnesota at its finest, truly.  It is a day full of friends and family, of rest, of play and of course some work, and I am reminded how lucky I am.  How grateful I am for what I have.  I hold on to this.  I carry this in my mind as I drive, hands shaking and stomach in knots (is that nausea or nerves?), to the clinic to meet my husband.  I arrive, step into the cold ultrasound room and see the exam table, the stirrups, the ultrasound machine and immediately have a mental conniption. "Nope. Nononononononono I can't do this.  Why am I here?  They are going to see nothing, why am I even here? I'm gonna be that crazy lady with the psychotic pregnancy aren't I?  Yep that's me, folks, right here!".  Hope, once so cocky, runs screaming from my mind and that other player celebrates its win.  Right then and there I am convinced that I will leave crushed and broken and barren (I can be very dramatic sometimes, it's true).  My husband tries to calm me, but really, he's equally as unsure and scared.  We both just want to be anywhere else at that moment.  So we quietly hold hands and steel ourselves for the next 60 seconds.

And then, a dark round circle appears on the screen.  It's empty, Ella, it's empty, I think.  At first it is, and then a split second later it isn't.  It isn't.  Holy @*&! it isn't.

He points. "Perfect cardiac activity, right there."

...yolk sac... embryo... perfect... normal... 

My breath returns to normal and I am free.