And I thought I loved you then...

One year ago today, I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time.

My reaction was not pretty.  I believe I said "well, fuck", and then I cried.  How's that for a memorable moment?  I cried for the three babies I had lost, and I cried for the fourth baby I knew I was bound to lose.  I had no hope.  My spirit was broken.

Women who suffer RPL know the strange juxtaposition you find yourself in when staring down at those two lines.  You want to be happy... but you are scared.  Oh.  So scared.  Gone forever are the giddy jumps for joy upon finding out you are pregnant; the elated cries of "I'M PREGNANT!" to your husband, or the elaborate schemes of how you will tell him he's going to be a daddy... those ridiculous games are gone.  Soured.  Now, you laugh at the naivety of your former self - the one who did all those things... The First Time.

Jumps for joy are replaced with "well, fuck"s, and elaborate announcement schemes to tell your husband are replaced with quiet footsteps back into the dark bedroom at 5:00 am: you sneak into bed, hoping he won't ask.  You don't want to tell him... you're afraid he won't be happy.  No, you know he won't be happy... because, if you are honest with yourself, you know that you aren't sure you're happy in this moment either.

But then, the sun comes up, and you look at each other and say "We have another shot.  Let's be thankful for that."  And you are.  You are thankful in that moment for what you have inside you, for the microscopic possibility of life.

And then, doctors and midwives are called, betas and early ultrasounds are scheduled, progesterone prescriptions are refilled.  The business of Getting This One To Stick gets underway.  You do what you have to do now... and you hope beyond hope that you'll get to celebrate later.

It's a cruel limbo that you live in for those first few weeks.  Hope builds with each passing day, with each good beta... and yet you still make sure to temper your excitement, you chide yourself for daring to be happy - 'it's too early, what are you doing?'.  

I think it wasn't *truly* until our 20 week anatomy scan that I allowed myself to let go of my restraint.  I relished in the complete and overwhelming joy I felt that day and just exhausted myself with happiness - I was SO tired at the end of that day, and my face hurt from smiling.  It felt so good.

Throughout our journey, we swore, we cried, we screamed, we overate, we overspent, we coped however we could.  We tried not to, but there was definitely a point when we thought we would never be parents.  Never in our wildest dreams would we have imagined that Eliza would finally enter our world; we did not think it was possible.

Thank God we were wrong.  We will forever be thankful to our daughter for showing us that we should never give up hope.  Her life is proof of that.

Normality

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day, I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return." 

Okay, so I totally stole this from another blogger (she didn't write it, it was a quote someone sent her), but this quote... it has stuck with me.  I just love it.  I keep going back and reading it over and over again, just to remind myself how lucky I am, to be grateful for each normal second, minute, hour, day, week... that passes.  To relish in normalcy is a true blessing.  

A normal day for us look like this... 

...and this:

...and there's a lot of this:

...and this:

And we love it.

And we cherish it.

And we are aware of the treasure that it is.

Nothin' Much

Although times around here are never dull, I haven't felt like I've had much to say lately.  I've also been enjoying not being on the computer (for fun) as much.

I've been working hard on one of two papers I have to write to finish last semester's classes.  My profs were very understanding last semester (when I up and gave BIRTH in the middle of the semester) and actually gave me until the end of this semester (May) to finish my final papers.  However, I FULLY intend to finish them well before that.  I'm almost done with one; it's really slow going with my beautiful girl to take care of, but with the help of my parents I'm getting some work done during the day, and I also stay up later than Eliza at night and work on my paper on my laptop in bed.  I'll be honest: it's difficult.  I'm a full-time SAHM right now, but my mind has to shift into academic-mode to write these papers.  It's a strange dichotomy, and - I gotta say - I'm not a huge fan.  I really feel for women who must return to work after only 3 months (or sometimes less) maternity leave - that must be even more difficult.

I recently mentioned (I think?) that I joined a local moms' group.  I've gone to three play dates so far, and aside from a few women I wouldn't exactly seek out as friends outside of this group... it's been a good experience.  I'm glad I joined, it gives us something different to do during the weekdays, and it's fun talking to other new moms.  Here's a picture of the babies from this week's group:

So, there's my fairly uninteresting update!  But HEY, after the countless bad news, awful, sad, depressing posts in my 252 post history on this blog, uninteresting is FINE with me!

Photo Shoot!

Everyone knows I love a good photo shoot, so when we woke up this morning to the most beautiful light coming into the bedroom, I stripped this babe down to her diaper, grabbed a blanket my mom knit and had some fun!  Then I played around with them a teeny bit in photoshop (though not that much - I didn't touch her beautiful eyes at all, and I think they are looking really blue in these pics!).  I have TONS more pics, but these four were my favorites.  

My Loves

I am so in love.  

So in love with these two beings.

They make my life joyful and beautiful.

I don't need anything else in this world but these two beings.

I am simply... thankful.  Grateful.  Lucky.

In love.

Who makes your world complete?  

Go give them a hug and tell them you love them.

Three Months

Eliza, you are three months old today, Valentine's Day!  In some ways, I can't believe it's been three months already, but in others... I can't believe it's only been three months since you came into my world and changed me forever. Your presence is so strong and beautiful; you have taught me so much... how can you be so new to this earth? Perhaps your soul is much older and wiser than you let on.

What have you been up to this month?  LOTS of new things...

You have officially "found" your fist.  And it's your 2nd favorite thing to put in your mouth!  You can usually be found either trying to stuff your ENTIRE fist into your mouth, or sucking on at least two or three of your fingers.

You are now squealing and screeching in delight - you started doing this when you were about 11.5 weeks old and have been doing it every day since.  It's so sweet - you are SO amused with yourself!  It's as though you've just realized that you can control the sounds coming out of your mouth and are having great fun trying out new sounds.

You still love your play gym and your mobile.  Recently you've also starting to enjoy a neat toy we got you.  You are *just* starting to reaching out and grab, and you love practicing with this toy when we put it in front of you.  Just yesterday you put reached out for it, grabbed it and put it in your mouth.  I just know that by next month you'll be grabbing everything in sight (and putting it in your mouth, no doubt!).

You are so much more interested in what's going on around you this month.  We walk around the house and you just stare at everything, learning about your house.  It was pretty neat going to Costco yesterday, too, there was so many new things for you to look at.

Eliza, my girl, my pumpkin, my sugar bear, my little bunny, mama and daddy love you so much; you are our world and we cannot imagine life without you in it.

Friday!

Eliza found her hand recently, and it pretty much rocks her world.  "Oh, hand.  Where have you been all my life?" she says.
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Thank you for the comments about Eliza and the car seat.  I know she will grow out of it, but it helps to hear it from other experienced moms (Abby!!).  Today when we went to visit our friends and their new baby, she fell asleep on the way there after only about 3 minutes of screaming, and then on the way home after about 10 minutes of screaming.  Not a vast improvement, but I'll take it!

Car Seat Update

She still hates it.  She still screams until she coughs, chokes, runs out of breath... :(  It is so hard for me to listen to her get so upset, I feel so bad.  I don't know what to do.  I *need to* leave the house at least every other day.  I go a little stir crazy if we stay inside for too long... I didn't leave the house for like three days last week, and it wasn't pretty.  But it's such a mental struggle because, while I feel like I need to leave for my own sanity, I really hate to make her go through the seemingly extreme TORTURE of strapping her in the car seat and driving somewhere.  I feel like I'm being selfish.

Damn this weather - I wish I could just put her in the sling and walk outside.  I would walk everywhere!  Unfortunately I live in a bit of a cultural wasteland (a little too close to suburbia) where the only places that are within walking distance include a liquor store, a bar, and a corner store.  Don't get me wrong, I like having the corner store nearby... very helpful for last minute 'OH CRAP I DON'T HAVE ANY EGGS' emergencies, and I can imagine that we'll walk there with Eliza to get a little treat every once in a while when she's older, but... it's not the same as having a town center nearby - or even just a little area with shops, maybe a coffee shop, a neighborhood cafe... *sigh*.  I'm dreaming.  Living where we live has definitely taught hubby and me what we want out of our next home, where we want to live next.

Anyway, I digress... the car seat.  I guess I just have to accept that I have a baby who dislikes her car seat (unlike EVERY OTHER PARENT I HAVE EVER TALKED TO <-- well, okay, not quite, but still).  I know she has to grow out of this.  She WILL grow out of this.  I'm sure I won't have a 3 year old screaming and crying in the back seat... right?  RIGHT?

(ohdearlordpleasesayright)

New Life

A beautiful new soul entered the world this morning at 6:22.  Good friends of ours welcomed a baby boy into their lives and we couldn't be happier for them!  I am just aching to get to the hospital to meet him and give them all a big hug.

Welcome, Baby I!  We love you already!

Scatterbrain

So many things I want to blog about, so little time! Bear with me while I get all these would-be-blog-topics down on "paper"...

• Our upcoming New Mexico trip with my parents (Eliza and I are *so* sad that daddy can't come with us!)
• Eliza's newfound love of screeching. It's so cute - and loud - I think she has just discovered the sound of her own voice!
• The horrible Superbowl ad airing today that I've been reading about all morning... can't get it off my mind. So wrong on so many levels... no time to really get into it here and now, though. Go here to read an synopsis/essay about the ad, and here to read a sad but well-written blog entry by a woman who was forced to make a heart-wrenching choice no one should ever have to make; her thoughts about the ad are honest and raw. **So it turns out the ad itself wasn't so bad... wondering if they edited it?  I was surprised when I saw it.  The message of the organization is not something that I agree with, but I'm glad they toned down (?) the ad**
• The fantastic meal we had last night with my family (parents, brother and SIL). A last minute invite turned into a beautiful gathering of family, food, wine and togetherness. Homemade spaghetti sauce (with meatballs!), homemade polenta, homemade bread, a bottle of 2004 Turley Zin... this is what life is all about! I went to bed feeling like the luckiest woman in the world. I'm so grateful that Eliza has such loving family around her - how wonderful it would be if *all* our family members lived closer to us.
• Eliza's guardianship - done! Feels good to have that wrapped up, decided upon, signed, notarized... and without any drama!
• My upcoming bday - blah! That's a whole separate post... but I'll be 29 on March 6th. Only one more year before my thirties. *sigh*
• This GREAT new tool I just set up that will allow me to see how many visitors I get to my blog every day, how they found my blog, and where their ISP address is located (well, within like a 10 mile radius at least!). I'm so not computer savvy, but hubby helped me set it up, I'm excited to use it!
• My wonderful husband... another blog post I keep writing in my head, but haven't had time to really sit and give it the attention and focus it deserves. He's such an amazing father to Eliza... so devoted, involved, caring, kind. I think having a daughter has changed him; softened him around the edges somehow...
• Eliza's first shot :( We went on Friday to get her first vaccine and it was so so sad to watch her cry in pain. Harder for mama than for her, I imagine. I just reminded myself how lucky I am that she is healthy and that we are vaccinating her against these horrible diseases to protect her from getting really really sick. Better seeing her get a shot in the thigh than laying in a hospital bed.
• The local mom's group I joined. I went to my first 'Baby Playdate' on Friday morning. It was interesting to meet the other moms... a mix of personalities and values/beliefs (of course!). A few were *definitely* not my type of people (as evidenced by the anti-co-sleeping, and then pro-formula-feeding soap boxes one woman went off on... it was so hard to keep my mouth shut!!!!), but I can see myself clicking with one or two of the women. It was a great opportunity to chat with other new moms about all things baby related. I think I'll go to a few of their other events - they are during the weekdays, so at least it gets us out of the house!
• Schoolwork. Stress. Unwritten papers. Procrastination. Septemberpleasedontevergethere. Let's just leave it at that.

Phew! Okay, I feel better. At least I got some of what has been rolling around my brain OUT of my brain. Thanks for listening to that scattered randomness.

I'll leave you with a picture of my beauty (and my dear hubby in the background!)! Happy Superbowl Sunday!

Bad Mommy Blogger

I haven't been posting much lately, just reading. Nothing much new going on (well, except for the daily-growing-and-changing girl!), I've just been hanging out with my beauty. I put her in a hoodie this afternoon that my mom gave me - it was mine when I was a baby and I think it's so cute on her! She's my little '80s track star ;) I took these pics, which I think are so funny. I can easily say she is my favorite little almost-12-week old on the planet.