Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Wednesdays are rough.

Dear Eliza,

We've had a rocky path to walk lately, you and me.  Some days there is nothing but blue sky and birds singing, and we walk hand in hand and everything is dandy, but lately... it's been difficult more often than I'd like to admit.  Mommy has found herself frustrated with you.  Fists clenched, gritted teeth... talking to myself in order to calm myself down... Mommy has needed more 'breaks' than usual.

And, usually, Wednesdays are rough.  Don't know exactly why... but that's been our pattern.

I want to be a better Mom.  Maybe I'm still in denial that I can't be that perfect mom, but I really don't feel like I'm doing a very good job.  Sometimes, I know I am not doing a good job and know that you deserve better.  But people tell me that's not true.  That I love you and that's all that matters.  I'm trying to believe this.  Every day I try to tell myself this.

But still, I feel like I'm not doing enough - that you deserve better, more.

You are a lovely, perfectly imperfect three-year-old.  You are so strong, so smart, and so sweet at your core.  You just want to touch me and to sit near me and hold my hand as walk up the stairs together... and I take that for granted.  I cry as I sit here typing this, because I am ashamed and sad: I am thinking about how annoyed I was this morning when you insisted you sit next to me on the bench at breakfast... I just wanted to sit by myself and eat my cereal, and I knew you'd want to touch me and crowd my space while I ate (something that parenthood has led me to learn is one of my pet peeves).  And now I think what an awful thought that was to have.  That someday, I will want to give anything for you to sit next to me just to be with me... that someday, you will no longer want to.  How could I not realize this at the moment, and just appreciate your sweet presence?

I think about how frustrated it makes me that you won't go upstairs to go to the bathroom alone, and how if I go up without you, you get upset.  But you are just a little girl who has some very normal fears and apprehensions that maybe you can't yet put into words.  And that's normal, and it's understandable, and it is okay.  And yet, I mutter to myself under my breath "when will she be able to go up the stairs alone???", wishing away this precious, still-vulnerable time in your life... and regretting it the very next moment.

I am so sorry.  I love you so deeply that it honestly scares me.  I am paralyzed with feelings of sadness and fear when I think about something happening to you, or to me, or to your daddy.  I love this little family of ours so much that it is scary.  I don't know if that makes any sense, the feeling is hard to describe.

I know that the transition we are all about to go through will bring about major winds of change in our family.  I know I am likely underestimating the changes it will bring about in you.  If I think too much about it, sometimes it makes me want to rewind, pause, or even just stop.  I'm scared.  At the same time, I am sure that I'm underestimating the amazingly wonderful things it will bring - the happiness and joy that will come with it.  The opportunities for growth and learning that it will offer you, my dear girl.  So, I will sit back and trust in you, and trust in our family to get through this in one imperfect piece.

I love you.


Alyssa said...

Not sure if it helps, but your thoughts and feelings are so very normal. We are bound to get frustrated with our children, and that's okay. We can't be happy balls of love 100%of the time - that is an unrealistic expectation, and sets us up for disappointment and feeling like a failure. We just have to do our best, whatever that is at the moment.

It's scary adding to the family too. I'm behind you on this, and am pretty scared and worried how our family balance is going to change. This might be making you think more about your relationship and how things are going to change.

(((hugs)))) to you

Abby said...

Oh, Ella, this brought tears to my eyes. I have so been there...way more often than I'd like to admit. Especially with that space at the breakfast table thing! And the "When will you be able to go to sleep on your own?!" until I think about the fact that in a few short years, I'll probably have to beg them to get any cuddles at all. :-/ All so normal. We can't be perfect all the time...and it wouldn't be fair to them if we could because that's not real life either. We just love them and do the best we can...and excel at that part, don't we? :-)

Summer said...

Ella - I hope you know that you are an amazing mother. This post and your last one are ones that I could have written myself! I so completely can understand and relate. There are often days that I actually can't wait until the kids are old enough to NOT want to spend time with me. I know I shouldn't wish away these years, but some days it's what gets me through the day! Hang in there! Let me know if there is anyway I can help. I'm thinking of you guys!

Dawn said...

Thanks to a terrible hack in my blogger acct I haven't been able to get on & catch up w/my lovely bloggie friends. I read this with tears in my eyes. I could've written it myself lately. We are 2months away from Addy turning 3 & things seem to be getting worse by the second. Some days I just seem to be getting by. But she is also turning in to the best big sister & most intelligent little girl. Those are the things I hold on to during this wild ride.

Jessie said...

You are such a great mom - and not "in spite of" feelings like this, but because of them! And you have such courage to be vulnerable and imperfect.

I also hate to be crowded while I eat!! Ah, motherhood.

Eliza's Stats

Birth: 8 lbs 5 ozs
Going home: 7 lbs 10 ozs
5 days: 7 lbs 13 ozs
2 months: 12 lbs 6 ozs
4 months: 17 lbs
5 months: 18 lbs 12 ozs
6 months: 20 lbs 13 ozs
9 months: 24 lbs 3 ozs
12 months: 26 lbs 13 ozs
15 months: 28 lbs
18 months: 29 lbs 3 ozs
2 years: 32 lbs
3 years: 34 lbs

Alice's Stats

Birth: 8 lbs 11 oz
2 Months: 13 lbs 10 oz
4 Months: 17 lbs 15 oz
6 Months: 20 lbs 4 oz